Hey, big guy;

Put on your wayfarers and step out onto the balcony.
Watch the palm trees sway in the wind.
Grab that special someone and enjoy the blazing sunset.
The waves lap against the shore ever so gently.

This calls for a toast;
You grab some refreshments for the both of you.
The lid of the can pops like the sound of a crashing ocean swell.

Clink your glasses, you beautiful people.

The hazy, bright yellow ale shimmers in the waning sunlight.
The aroma of freshly squeezed lemon bursts in the air.

“Wait, babe; grab the camera, the lighting is perfect.
–yeah, get in the picture. Yeah, that’s it. Wait, wait; bend over a little bit.
Oh, yeah, this is such a sexy shot.
Look at the color of this beer! It looks like a glass of frothy lemonade!
God damn, look at this!
–Wait, wait, no—I know, let me just upload this—
#gose
#Westbrookbrewing
#tart
#sexy
#beerporn
#waitedinline
#beertography
#instabeerofficial
#beergeek
#beerstagram
#bee—

Then, suddenly, those clams from dinner finally hit you.
Dizzied, you began to flounder.

“Honey, are you alright? Oh God, hold on!”
Her dulcet tones begin to degrade into a squawk of the most reptilian persuasion.

The roar of high tide folds upon itself, dampened into television static
Even your vision begins to sputter out ants on a sidewalk.

You collapse upon the railing, hanging off the edge of the precipice.
The vomit begins to stream from your lips, your nostrils.
#tartlemon
#softrindcheese
#noobviouscoriander
#noblehops?
#grannysmithapples
#smooth
#yetprickly
#lactic
#acid
#vinegaryasballs
#tasteslikeaburp

Your paramour arrives with a hot towel and words of comfort.

It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault It’s not your fault

In your moment of abject embarrassment and misery, it hits you–
You

don’t

love

her

You’re

deep

in debt

Your

programming job

is bullshit

You lack

artist

prowess

You

don’t

even

like

beer

Westbrook Brewing: providing the official beer of mustachioed beer hipsters everywhere!

 

Your life is a lie.

*9.0 out of 10*