*9.6 out of 10*
Can I get the
*9.0 out of 10*
Shawn provides us with a top-5 beers of the year list.
I got my court summons in the mail today. Mr. Bolt’s lawyers mean business. Luckily, the threatening phone calls have stopped. The silence, however, is growing more ominous every day.
Something big is coming.
5. Maine Beer Co. | Woods and Waters (American IPA)
After my ninth Whopper® this week, I’ve finally lost my appetite. My entire savings is being drained like a bathtub.
And all that’s left at the bottom?
4. The Alchemist Brewery | Skadoosh V (American IPA)
Rubber duckies with Usain Bolt’s face on them.
3. Backacre Beermakers | Golden Sour Ale
I didn’t think it would come to this. I’ll never have a family. Debt will be all consuming. And if I cannot repay? Then what? Bankruptcy? Do debtors’ prisons exist still?
2. House of Fermentology | Purple Dot (fruited American Wild Ale)
Each second on the clock ticking sounds like distant footsteps upon a track. Reminding me of him– my muse. I cannot escape him. If I run, he will catch me. If I stay still, he will consume me.
1. Four Quarters Brewing Co. | S’mores Stout (Imperial Milk Stout)
Shawn has been a reader since nearly day one.
Soon, he will also become a memory.
All will become lost.
The 2 for $6 Whopper® deal shall too come to pass.
*$3.49/2 Cheeseburgers, 1 Small Fries, & 1 Small Drink*
On the one hand, thank God it’s the end of the year. On the other hand, it’s time for another round of this year-end best-of beer bullshit. Here’s what to expect: Stupid fucking lists of masturbatory pomp and circumstance about beverages. If you want to contribute to this dumbassed annual tradition, send your list(s) via a Facebook message. Or, if you real sneaky, slide in those Insta DMs.
Here’s a picture of my two favorite boys:
i’ve never committed adultery
the closest i’ve ever come
is flirting across town with two cats
in animal crossing.
i’ve never dabbled in that purple music.
that violin-laden chorus
punctuated with muted, arrogant trumpets and
spoiled with perverted
maybe I’ve slid a finger or two
into the opening of a can
but not before
its contents into an unfortunate willi becher
reminiscing to the days of
listening to “me and mrs. jones,”
in a market basket,
eating english muffins in the bread aisle
and drinking johnnie walker double black from
your mother got you
the cute grocery clerk asks you if you’re alright
passed out on the polyurethane covered tiles.
she doesn’t notice the crumbs
you don’t notice
she’s still in high school.
winters are magical.
the aperture captures
more than what is simply put
directly in its line of fire.
the work of art conveys
the true spirit of the artist
despite his silence.
got that danky lanky
take your pants off and pray
citrus pledge wipes
like the junction of lips on a cold night,
before copious apologies.
as I imagined that
with billy mays
to be oxy cleaned
by my oxy queen
peel the paint right off the wall.
the beer is good.
*9.8 out of 10*
My God, this beer smells incredible. It’s so bright and fruity! How distinctively tart, like a field of ripe red raspberries dancing in the cool breeze! The nose on this is so good I could just
Vote for Hillary Clinton.
*9.0 out of 10*
*9.9 out of 10*