Shawn provides us with a top-5 beers of the year list.
I got my court summons in the mail today. Mr. Bolt’s lawyers mean business. Luckily, the threatening phone calls have stopped. The silence, however, is growing more ominous every day.
Something big is coming.
5. Maine Beer Co. | Woods and Waters (American IPA)
After my ninth Whopper® this week, I’ve finally lost my appetite. My entire savings is being drained like a bathtub.
And all that’s left at the bottom?
4. The Alchemist Brewery | Skadoosh V (American IPA)
Rubber duckies with Usain Bolt’s face on them.
3. Backacre Beermakers | Golden Sour Ale
I didn’t think it would come to this. I’ll never have a family. Debt will be all consuming. And if I cannot repay? Then what? Bankruptcy? Do debtors’ prisons exist still?
2. House of Fermentology | Purple Dot (fruited American Wild Ale)
Each second on the clock ticking sounds like distant footsteps upon a track. Reminding me of him– my muse. I cannot escape him. If I run, he will catch me. If I stay still, he will consume me.
1. Four Quarters Brewing Co. | S’mores Stout (Imperial Milk Stout)
Shawn has been a reader since nearly day one.
Soon, he will also become a memory.
All will become lost.
The 2 for $6 Whopper® deal shall too come to pass.
*$3.49/2 Cheeseburgers, 1 Small Fries, & 1 Small Drink*
On the one hand, thank God it’s the end of the year. On the other hand, it’s time for another round of this year-end best-of beer bullshit. Here’s what to expect: Stupid fucking lists of masturbatory pomp and circumstance about beverages. If you want to contribute to this dumbassed annual tradition, send your list(s) via a Facebook message. Or, if you real sneaky, slide in those Insta DMs.
Here’s a picture of my two favorite boys:
i’ve never committed adultery
the closest i’ve ever come
is flirting across town with two cats
in animal crossing.
i’ve never dabbled in that purple music.
that violin-laden chorus
punctuated with muted, arrogant trumpets and
spoiled with perverted
maybe I’ve slid a finger or two
into the opening of a can
but not before
its contents into an unfortunate willi becher
reminiscing to the days of
listening to “me and mrs. jones,”
in a market basket,
eating english muffins in the bread aisle
and drinking johnnie walker double black from
your mother got you
the cute grocery clerk asks you if you’re alright
passed out on the polyurethane covered tiles.
she doesn’t notice the crumbs
you don’t notice
she’s still in high school.
winters are magical.
the aperture captures
more than what is simply put
directly in its line of fire.
the work of art conveys
the true spirit of the artist
despite his silence.
got that danky lanky
take your pants off and pray
citrus pledge wipes
like the junction of lips on a cold night,
before copious apologies.
as I imagined that
with billy mays
to be oxy cleaned
by my oxy queen
peel the paint right off the wall.
the beer is good.
*9.8 out of 10*
My God, this beer smells incredible. It’s so bright and fruity! How distinctively tart, like a field of ripe red raspberries dancing in the cool breeze! The nose on this is so good I could just
Vote for Hillary Clinton.
*9.0 out of 10*
*9.9 out of 10*
I suppose there are musicians who have aged into their art gracefully. Ironically, when I started writing this, David Bowie was still alive.
Even more ironically, near injuriously, there then are musicians who have aged like bananas,
And Keith Richards still tours.
…Something else about Ice Cube and Are We There Yet.
Then what’s left are the pajamas-in-the-daytime set.
These are those whose appeal you equate with spending the day sipping coffee until 1 in the afternoon, milling about, before driving 5 blocks up the street to the discount grocery store where you buy five potatoes, one beer, maple syrup and toilet paper while glaring at the couple in North Face apparel in a strangely classist manner.
Does life still have the same meaning under fluorescent light?
You stand in the checkout line, becoming itchy beneath your fleece, wondering if it’s psychosomatic. You’re captivated by the smell of fried resignation coming from the deli department. The chicken carcasses dance their post-mortem pirouettes. They glisten, all pretty and clean. They exist fondly as they do formerly. Soon, you wonder this of yourself. The high school sophomore who rings up your groceries asks for your ID. You pause, momentarily; shocked that you realize you have memories older than she is. She sulks and heaves her uncaring arm forth, demanding legal rectitude in the form of a seemingly meaningless magnetic plastic totem.
This robotic bitch has never been haunted by heartbreak or the inevitability of death. Or, maybe she has, and you’re just too cold as to exist beyond the confines of your hollow, garbage vessel.
You know: those artists you feel just awkwardly comfortable approaching when it comes to their latest endeavors, like Morrissey, or Dr. Dre.
So, yes, I guess I am saying that Founders Azacca IPA is sort of like Morrissey or Dr. Dre. I guess that sounds pretty great.
…but it’s pretty yeah.
Since the day Mike Stevens and Dave Engbers founded Founders, they have at least attempted to brew along the cutting edge. The question now is: ArE They FUKin 2 Old 2 BrU?
Well, they are at least using a new, fresh hop in their attempt to stay relevant.
…In a glass, it resembles 4C iced tea clutched in the fingers of an angry aunt, smoking a pack between a kid and the delicate cycle. Translucent to transparent, it carries a slight haze with an off-white inch of head that recedes to a soapy film.
Sparse bubbles rise slowly from the bottom of the glass. Congratulate them.
My nostrils aren’t necessarily arrested, but perturbed by suggestions of orange sherbet, apricot, some sort of bullshit earthiness like wet leaves.
there’s something else. Something I can only describe as peach chutney follows.
let’s just call it Ritz crackers with some Smuckers’ orange marmalade on top.
I taste orange, melon—cantaloupe, light mango, grapefruit. There’s a grape characteristic distinct enough to the point of being reminscent of grape pop rocks. It tastes… irresponsible. It hearkens to the reckless abandon of one who pisses on walls of city hall, of one who bothers arguing that it’s in the name of liberal values, shouting, “I READ THE NEW YORK TIMES! I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! I’M ALIVE! WAKE UP WORLD!”
…but I’m not necessarily saying this is a good thing.
The mouth touch is clean, yet not exceptionally thin—somewhat watery. Therein lies a medium to light mouth touch, dry, astringent finish.
I don’t know. I appreciate what Founders is doing, but with a beer like this I can’t help but feel they are sort of like the cool mom with the tight clothes who claims to like Kendrick Lamar because she heard he was a Grammy nominee, but cannot get his album title right (“Pimping a Butterfly?).
I’m not expecting you to understand.
*8.3 out of 10*
JESUS, Derek; a best and a worst? You people keep fucking around with the rules. God, I fucking hate all of you. Why do I even bother doing this? I swear to God, you people are just a bunch of mindless sheep who just fucking chirp chirp like meat pickles in a goddamned rainstorm of monkey piss. Fuck myself. Fuck you, Derek.
Fuck you and fuck this list
6. Pabst Brewing Co. | PBR (for a dollar)
Ok. This should be number one on a technicality. A dollar for a PBR? I’d kill a man for a dollar PBR. Do you hear me? A dude, fucking dead.
5. Other Half Brewing Co.
The whole brewery. Seriously? Oh, just let me just pick every beer in NYC for that matter– no wait, America,–no wait, the fucking world,– no wait, beer
4. BFM | Abbaye de Saint Bon-Chien (Biere de Garde, 2014 vintage)
Parlez-vous douche bag?
3. Anderson Valley Brewing Co. | The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose
That’s right, Fox News. Put that in your pipe and fuck yourself.
2. Zero Gravity Craft Brewery | Green State Lager (Pilsener)
Bruh, let’s go camping, I swear I won’t put my finger in your bum while you sleep.
1. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose
Three cheers if you like sour cheerios!
5. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose
Wait, wait, I feel you on this one. At its worst, band-aids and cold sweat. Fuck this beer.
4. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Maple Tripple (American Strong Ale w/Maple, 2015 vintage)
YEAH, Fuck this!
3. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Rhubarb Basil Saison
OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING
2. Ballast Point Brewing Company | Sculpin Nitro IPA
…Oh. Yeah, I guess this sucks too. Whatever.
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Abner (American Imperial IPA, mid-late 2015 vintage)
Deerk is a “bartender” at a magical place called “Waterworks”
Derek likes foofie drinks
Derek serves foofie drinks
Derke has a kitty kat
Father John Misty
Drk Foofie man
I’m losing faith in the public school system.