Tagged: Beer Reviews

Review: Trillium Brewing/Monkish Brewing Collab | Dial Up The Seven Digits

IMG_20170802_203959527

Malt Fiction - Dial Up the Seven Digits review

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Review: Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | Lux Rye Pale Ale

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

i’ve never committed adultery

the closest i’ve ever come

is flirting across town with two cats

in animal crossing.

 

i’ve never dabbled in that purple music.

 

that violin-laden chorus

punctuated with muted, arrogant trumpets and

spoiled with perverted

ivory keys

 

or perhaps,

maybe I’ve slid a finger or two

into the opening of a can

but not before

depositing

its contents into an unfortunate willi becher

 

reminiscing to the days of

listening to “me and mrs. jones,”

on repeat,

in a market basket,

surreptitiously

eating english muffins in the bread aisle

and drinking johnnie walker double black from

the flask

your mother got you

for christmas.

the cute grocery clerk asks you if you’re alright

passed out on the polyurethane covered tiles.

 

she doesn’t notice the crumbs

you don’t notice

she’s still in high school.

 

winters are magical.

 

the aperture captures

more than what is simply put

directly in its line of fire.

 

the work of art conveys

the true spirit of the artist

despite his silence.

 

onion beer.

stanky stanky

got that danky lanky

pepper spray

take your pants off and pray

citrus pledge wipes

smooth

yet crisp

like the junction of lips on a cold night,

before copious apologies.

 

aggressive.

as I imagined that

first

awkward kiss

with billy mays

 

to be oxy cleaned

by my oxy queen

peel the paint right off the wall.

fuck

 

oh shit

right

the beer is good.

 

*9.8 out of 10*

Review: Brasserie Dieu du Ciel! | Solstice d’été aux Framboises

Photo credit: beerism.ca

Photo credit: beerism.ca

My God, this beer smells incredible. It’s so bright and fruity! How distinctively tart, like a field of ripe red raspberries dancing in the cool breeze! The nose on this is so good I could just

Vote for Hillary Clinton.

COCAINE 2016

howard-dean

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

*9.0 out of 10*

Review: Founders Brewing Co. | Azacca IPA

credit: foundersbrewing.com

credit: foundersbrewing.com

I suppose there are musicians who have aged into their art gracefully. Ironically, when I started writing this, David Bowie was still alive.

Even more ironically, near injuriously, there then are musicians who have aged like bananas,
And Keith Richards still tours.

…Something else about Ice Cube and Are We There Yet.

Then what’s left are the pajamas-in-the-daytime set.

These are those whose appeal you equate with spending the day sipping coffee until 1 in the afternoon, milling about, before driving 5 blocks up the street to the discount grocery store where you buy five potatoes, one beer, maple syrup and toilet paper while glaring at the couple in North Face apparel in a strangely classist manner.

Does life still have the same meaning under fluorescent light?

You stand in the checkout line, becoming itchy beneath your fleece, wondering if it’s psychosomatic. You’re captivated by the smell of fried resignation coming from the deli department. The chicken carcasses dance their post-mortem pirouettes. They glisten, all pretty and clean. They exist fondly as they do formerly. Soon, you wonder this of yourself. The high school sophomore who rings up your groceries asks for your ID. You pause, momentarily; shocked that you realize you have memories older than she is. She sulks and heaves her uncaring arm forth, demanding legal rectitude in the form of a seemingly meaningless magnetic plastic totem.

This robotic bitch has never been haunted by heartbreak or the inevitability of death. Or, maybe she has, and you’re just too cold as to exist beyond the confines of your hollow, garbage vessel.

You know: those artists you feel just awkwardly comfortable approaching when it comes to their latest endeavors, like Morrissey, or Dr. Dre.

So, yes, I guess I am saying that Founders Azacca IPA is sort of like Morrissey or Dr. Dre. I guess that sounds pretty great.

…but it’s pretty yeah.
Since the day Mike Stevens and Dave Engbers founded Founders, they have at least attempted to brew along the cutting edge. The question now is: ArE They FUKin 2 Old 2 BrU?
Well, they are at least using a new, fresh hop in their attempt to stay relevant.

…In a glass, it resembles 4C iced tea clutched in the fingers of an angry aunt, smoking a pack between a kid and the delicate cycle. Translucent to transparent, it carries a slight haze with an off-white inch of head that recedes to a soapy film.
Sparse bubbles rise slowly from the bottom of the glass. Congratulate them.

My nostrils aren’t necessarily arrested, but perturbed by suggestions of orange sherbet, apricot, some sort of bullshit earthiness like wet leaves.

Wait, wait,

there’s something else. Something I can only describe as peach chutney follows.

Fuck,

let’s just call it Ritz crackers with some Smuckers’ orange marmalade on top.

I taste orange, melon—cantaloupe, light mango, grapefruit. There’s a grape characteristic distinct enough to the point of being reminscent of grape pop rocks. It tastes… irresponsible. It hearkens to the reckless abandon of one who pisses on walls of city hall, of one who bothers arguing that it’s in the name of liberal values, shouting, “I READ THE NEW YORK TIMES! I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! I’M ALIVE! WAKE UP WORLD!”

…but I’m not necessarily saying this is a good thing.

The mouth touch is clean, yet not exceptionally thin—somewhat watery. Therein lies a medium to light mouth touch, dry, astringent finish.

I don’t know. I appreciate what Founders is doing, but with a beer like this I can’t help but feel they are sort of like the cool mom with the tight clothes who claims to like Kendrick Lamar because she heard he was a Grammy nominee, but cannot get his album title right (“Pimping a Butterfly?).

I’m not expecting you to understand.

*8.3 out of 10*

Beerenders: Travis Perrotte

Ooh, looky-here, Mr. Travis decided to be Mr. Difficult and gave me a top-six list. Either way, nobody cares, here’s this stupid shit:
6. 21st Amendment Brewing Co. | Toaster Pastry (India-style red ale)

toaster-pastry beer

What the fuck? A pop-tart? Wait, this is a beer?

5. The Alchemist | Focal Banger (American IPA)

focal_sign_01

Real mature.

4. Burlington Beer Co. | Chunky (American-style peanut butter porter, 2015 vintage)

chunky burlington beer

Another obscure beer. Seriously, what’s wrong with you fucking beer hipsters? What’s next, pizza stout? Tuna saison? An American pale ale enema? Fuck off. Peanut butter in your fucking beer; Grow up.

3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Double Citra (Imperial pale ale)

double citra

Boy, Sean Lawson really hit it out of the park with this one. It’s almost as good as his Heady Topper, but luckily it’s widely available at an affordable price.

2. Goose Island Brewing Co. | Bourbon County Brand Regal Rye Stout (2015 vintage)

bourbon county regal rye


1. Grimm Artisanal Ales | Tesseract (American DIPA)

Tesseract Grimm DIPA

Nice. Another beer I’ll never have. Awesome, Travis. Aren’t you a fucking snowflake.

These are Travis’s top 5 beers, I guess.

Travis likes to take a lot of fucking pictures.

I like this one:

Travis Perrotte Lake Champlain
The other ones are also ok, I guess.

But where are the fuckin snuff films, you cow
Travis needs to stop being a shithead and remember that peanut butter is for drinking, not for eating.

Geez, people.

I bet, if you asked Father John Misty if he liked putter bumpkin in his beer, he’d probably kick you in the dick.

Yeah, right in the mouth.

Anyway, here’s Father John Misty:

Beerenders: Shawn Beaulieu

Alright, ALRIGHT; here’s long-time reader and Malt Fiction subscriber “Shawn’s” top 5 beers of the year. Don’t go crazy, everybody; just calm the fuck down. We all know how important this is. We’re going to get through it:

 

5. Hermit Thrush Brewery | Jolly Abbot (Sour Belgian Barleywine, 2015 vintage)

credit: untappd.com

Sure, Bolio, pick something no one has ever heard of. You piece of shit. Oh, right, I was there when you tried that.  You still suck.

4. Maine Beer Company | Lunch IPA (American IPA)

Maine beer lunch

Eh.

3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Arthur (Farmhouse Ale, 2015 vintage)

hf arthur

SHIT SON, YOU CAN PUT THIS BEER IN YOUR TOP 5, BUT NOT “I LOVE YOU, HONEYBEAR” BY FATHER JOHN MISTY IN YOUR TOP 10 ALBUMS? FUCK YOU.

2. Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | The Substance Ale (American IPA)

substance ale

Okey dokey, Sam Blow, I’ll give you a pass on this one.

1. Brouwerij Rodenbach | Rodenbach Caractère Rouge (Flanders Red Ale)

Brock Rodenbach Caractere

THIS IS THE GODEL, ESCHER, BACH OF BEERS. FIGURES, BOLIO.

uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

…fuck, where was I?

Uh,

Anyway,

These are, uh, Shane Bowery’s favorite beers.

Shap hates music, I guess–

And he lives in Canada

You might as well call him Ted Cruz.

At least Ted Cruz probably likes “I Love You, Honeybear,” by Father John Misty.

Fucking idiot

Fuck you, Jane Blooey.
Now give me my money.

PLEASE free Shamu.

 

This is what I think of your top 5, Jim-