Tagged: beer review

Beerenders: Derek Piette

JESUS, Derek; a best and a worst? You people keep fucking around with the rules. God, I fucking hate all of you. Why do I even bother doing this? I swear to God, you people are just a bunch of mindless sheep who just fucking chirp chirp like meat pickles in a goddamned rainstorm of monkey piss. Fuck myself. Fuck you, Derek.

 

Fuck you and fuck this list

 

Best:

6. Pabst Brewing Co. | PBR (for a dollar)

Pabst_Blue_Ribbon_packaging_logo

Ok. This should be number one on a technicality. A dollar for a PBR? I’d kill a man for a dollar PBR. Do you hear me? A dude, fucking dead.
5. Other Half Brewing Co.

Other Half Brewing Co

The whole brewery. Seriously? Oh, just let me just pick every beer in NYC for that matter– no wait, America,–no wait, the fucking world,– no wait, beer

4. BFM | Abbaye de Saint Bon-Chien (Biere de Garde, 2014 vintage)

BrasserieBFM-AbbayedeSaintBon-Chien2014-Grande

Parlez-vous douche bag?
3. Anderson Valley Brewing Co. | The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose

This photo came from fucking Fox News

This photo came from fucking Fox News

That’s right, Fox News. Put that in your pipe and fuck yourself.
2. Zero Gravity Craft Brewery | Green State Lager (Pilsener)

Green State Lager

Bruh, let’s go camping, I swear I won’t put my finger in your bum while you sleep.
1. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose

Lost-Nation-Gose-Cans

Three cheers if you like sour cheerios!
Worst:

5. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose

Lost-Nation-Gose-Cans

Wait, wait, I feel you on this one. At its worst, band-aids and cold sweat. Fuck this beer.
4. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Maple Tripple (American Strong Ale w/Maple, 2015 vintage)

Lawson's Maple Tripple

YEAH, Fuck this!
3. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Rhubarb Basil Saison

Lawson's Rhubarb Basil

OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING
2. Ballast Point Brewing Company | Sculpin Nitro IPA

Ballast Point Sculpin Nitro

…Oh. Yeah, I guess this sucks too. Whatever.
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Abner (American Imperial IPA, mid-late 2015 vintage)

abner-imperial-hillfarmstead

Dirk bicycles.

Bicycles hard

 

Deerk is a “bartender” at a magical place called “Waterworks”

 

Derek likes foofie drinks

Derek serves foofie drinks

Derke has a kitty kat

Dekre

Deek

Drsk

Drm

DFM

FM

FJM

Father John Misty

 

Drk Foofie man

Foofie

Foofie

Foofie

Foofie

I’m losing faith in the public school system.

Review?: Burlington Beer Company | (9 month old) Chasing Rabbits

Uh

what the fuck

it tastes like Pliny.

Seriously

Easy Coast folk

It’s like fresh Pliny

Shit the fuck up

Somebody KILL me

 

*Uh, what the fuck out of 10*

 

Review: Otter Creek/Jack’s Abby Brewing Collaboration | Joint Custody

photo credit: jacksabbybrewing.com

photo credit: jacksabbybrewing.com

Otter Creek Brewing Company is something of an anomaly.
…and I’ll tell you why.
Otter Creek is part of the old guard when it comes to Vermont breweries. Lawrence Miller founded the company, back in the early ‘90s. Now he’s chief of Health Care Reform. Yes, in this great state, a drinker can grow to make pivotal decisions about how we obtain basic healthcare.

Freedom and Unity, indeed

Anyway, Miller brewed, largely by himself, for a decade, surprisingly sailing through the collapse of many breweries in the late ‘90s. That is, until Morgan Wolaver—of Wolaver’s Organic Ales—bought him out in 2002. Oh, and they made such fine and natural beers, like big-eyed masturbatory King Harvest songs. Bucolic brews named “Copper Ale” and “Stovepipe Porter” were romantic and keen, and well, pretty boring, but the Brewery made consistently good brews over the decade.

Then came the onslaught of beer-hipsterdom stemming from the artisanal and craft movement of the mid-to-late 2000s and all of the entitled pricks yoked to it.  The brewery ultimately suffered, as a result. Wolaver’s reign would eventually end in 2010, when a private equity firm, Fulham and Co., acquired the company via its subsidiary, Long Trail Brewing Company. Literally, at this point, you’re the furthest from relevance and cool as possible. You’d think, any attempt of reinvention would surely result in not only embarrassment, but also the certain demise of the sick man of brewing in the VT craft brew culture.
Enter Mike Gerhart.

“Brewmaster Mike” joined in 2008, leaving a position at Dogfish Head to infuse the withered Otter Creek with fresh blood, just like Lance Armstrong. However, instead of being reprimanded by Oprah, Otter Creek somehow saw some success out of their reimaging. Full of stoner tropes, Otter Creek abandoned their rustic roots and broke out the wah-wah pedal. Seriously, you cannot find a Facebook post not making a reference to weed, weed culture, or flat out being stoned. It’s fucking weird. It’s like reading those posts by that one uncle who never grew up, who manages to maintain an affinity for Cheech and Chong and Star Wars at the age of 45. It’s hard to believe the hipsters eat this shit up, but indeed, they do. To an extent, it’s hard to blame them. This tongue-in-cheek rebranding obviously comes as a gamble, potentially discomfiting the brand’s older, loyal clientele. It’s hard to show up to that company party with a six pack of “Joint Custody” not expecting to get some questions about why the VW bus on the label is billowing with smoke.

Seriously, it is hard to take this beer seriously, but I’m willing to try. The beer is a collaboration with

Massachusetts’ own, Jack’s Abby Brewing. The beer is described as a “nouveau pilsner”

Or whatever the hell that means

Knowing full well they’re grasping at an attempt to be cutting edge, I take their nomenclature with an

ever so small pinch of salt.

While it has a inch of white head on the beer, it recedes quickly. It pours a bright yellow with hints of

earthy amber. It’s slightly hazy. At first sniff, there’s pineapple and apricot. White grapes then begin to

emerge. These are grapes similar to what you’d find in a Riesling. There is also apparent stone fruit detected, which I’d

describe as unripe peach. Then, I get a nice burst of lemon and pepper. Finally, an ever so slight ripe banana tickles my

eeney-weeny widdle nosey-wosey on the back end.

Very much so, do I get dried apricot in the taste. I get bitter orange peel, biscuit malt character and

essentially what I can only describe as mango fruit leather at the end.

Right off the bat, I notice that the mouth feel is a little thicker than one would expect from a lager. Also,

you do get a slightly oily, dry finish from the hops, I expect. It is, however, otherwise crisp.

Do I recommend this beer? Yes. I think it’s certainly worth a try. While it’s much more expensive than

any other Otter Creek beers available in six-packs, it is only around for a limited time (supposedly)– but

you can find it all across New England (and some mid-Atlantic states).

I don’t know.

I guess if Dr. Dre can do it…

*8.3 out of 10*

Review: Brouwerij Rodenbach | Caractère Rouge

Photo credit: Brock Bill, Exposures by Brock Bill http://exposures.photoshelter.com/

Photo credit: Brock Bill, Exposures by Brock Bill
http://exposures.photoshelter.com/

 

Ever remember, like, fuckin’, summer camp when you were 10 and your parents bribed you with an N64 if you just, like, shut the fuck up and spent the night at the if, uh, fuckin’ uh, sleepaway camp portion of the night? You know what I mean? Like that Thursday, where like you spend the night and go home the next day like reminsnce with all your friends how much fun– fuck—fuckin summer camp was—uggh, Jesus—but like, your truly afraid because of, like, that monk you heard in the story that, like about like, uh, haunted the camp, it’s kinda like, gonna take u up to the top of the mountain and then like, uh, kill you?
Yeah

 

Yeah

But like, you totally had this crush too—
And’s it’s like, you know, this bitch is like 12 years old
And DTF because she was like older than you
Pretty dope
You (mumbling incoherently) totally diggin’ you, great
But like, wanna leave, but wanna be like man up and spend the night
Yeah that’s like
And like
And like you wicks went to the talent show, and it was like you and your friends, and like her and her friends, like, your crew,
Like a talent show, and it sucks, but youse like joking around, and like, definitely kinda sorta like, yeah, like you kn—kiss in this place in a hallway in the staircase, where all the people, chilling out
yeah
And then, you like, want to you wanta say good bye to her, and shit, but get that nervous shits when you gotta leave, you don’t uh you know like uh don’t adjust to change very well, it’s like….
Fuckin crazy
And
You know you like try to like say like hey buy
And she like

Shuh nuh

But like the next day and all
But they’re like

GET ON THE BUS

And you forget
To take a shi–
And…
Like …
That’s like half way along the way
And you realize
Aaah my god
And YYOUUUKNU
And like you kinda shit yourself
Yeah you definietely do, and yeah
Definitely shit yourself
And um
….
….

yyyyyyyyuuuuUh…

Kinda ike get like
Humiliated forever
Like definitely scarred
definitely scarred for the rest
of your life



Yeah, it’s kind—it’s kinda like this beer, I
Think


Yeah, it’s like
Lotta
Similar
Fuckin

Something or oth—
You know
I mean
Its
I guess you can say it’s like

A remin—

Ugh A not reminecnengt
No
What’s the fuck

(laughing)

What’s the f —
What’s the
You know
What’s
Uhh
Nostalgic
That’s it

Nuh stal jick

You know it’s like
Definitely kinda smells ike a sharpie
Or overripe
Candy like
Like Cherries

a Magic marker

Some Tangy Swedish fish
And shit
a-OOP
Oh and like that
And like that wood, oak
Hanging in the woods and shit

Ahhh

Definitely
Its earthy
Digging around in the dirt
(mumbling)

…I don’t know

Some
vanillins or
fucking whatever
In uh the
Wood
Or wodd
Black pepper
Definitely black perrr
 Macerated blueberries
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhit
You know it smells like

Fuckin

V
8
Fusion….
Yeah,
Ike that
Uh
Blueberry Pomegranate one

Yeah
You gonna have like
Breakfast and shit
And you gotta go to work and shit, but you’re like
Pissed
But like you gotta make some megs(?)
‘Cause it’s it’s like egg day
ITS FUCKING EGG DAY
Gotta make some eggs
Pour yourself some juice
And
(Laugh)
It’s fucking great
OH YEAH
The other thing
It’s like a fucking

urinal cake
It’s where the whole thing about shitting yourself came in, I think
Definitely smells like a fresh urinal cake
Fuckin weird
But
Tastes like sweetish fish
Like FUCKIN Swedish fish
Very tart – Swedish fish
Whole lotta
Fuck

in raspberries
And like fucking cherry
Big ol’ like cherry basket
Full of

Cranberries

Like
Like in promans(?) terms
Lots a like melts of flavor ice
Like the frozen ice sticks you like suck on
Yeah
Like sucking on
Uh
Fat ass
Stick of
Flavor ice
Cherry flavored
Like
Artificial
Bullshit flavor
Nota bad way
 Ike a good way
Yeah

Good way

When like when you’re a kid watching
A Christmas Story

Growing up

Uh
Kinda

I don’t know

Kinda like cognac
Kinda like drinking cognac when you’re a kid
Back
in the
day
Remember that?
Yeah

And uh
Oaks aren’t really there
kinna slightly present
you know like that
Like kids who’s
Fuckin ass
Skipps class all time in homeroom
Just go smoke weed
Kinda like the oak

And
Vinous character
Like red wine
I guess
Kinda like a red wine
Caractere Rouge
Is kinda like the
Like red version
Like
Pokemon

I love Charizard

Charizard was my favorite

I always picked Charizard
Because he’s the hard one to do
You could always
puss out
and do like Bulbasaur
cause like he’s fuckin easy

uh
anyways

uh
sour

um
Bulbasauuurr
Yeah

Like the sour nature of the fruit
Most
Like
Lactic finish
Drink a like a lot milk
After a run
Got that
Wanna vomit
And when you don’t vomit
You kinda vomit
That sting in the back of your throat
That’s like that lactic finish
Definitely lactic
Definitely throw up
Pretty prickly
Teeth etching
Like rinse your mouth out with like lemon juice
And probably
Like that sour experience
If you’re into that shit
Pretty velvety otherwise
Uh…

Imma sniff a sharpie

Uh

bye

*9.8 out of 10*

Review: Miller Brewing Co. | High Life

Once, after graduating from college
I went to a party thrown by a few alumni on the North side of town
After climbing
3
Flights of stairs
Crooked and stained
I approached the surprisingly unvandalized door hanging on its hinges
By a
Suggestion
The bed in the living room
Doubled
As a
Couch
Perfectly positioned
For one’s viewing
“pleasure”
Of the beer pong game currently in
“progress”
I use ‘pleasure’ and ‘progress’ in quotations because we happened to be sipping, that night, on
Miller High Life,
the
“Champagne”
Of
“Beers”
Which,
Ironically,
Was an insult to both pleasure and a testament against our
Millennial
“progress”
Languidly, we toasted
Our lives of menial employment
With
Salty
Dog
Spit
And
Fucking
Cardboard

*3.5 out of 10*

Review: Boulder Beer Company | Shake Chocolate Porter

Shake beer pic

I got my glass Batman mug and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie is on deck in the VCR.
Hot chocolate is in the boil.

Ah, powdered Nesquik, whey protein, and water.

Just like old times.

I got my stuffed animals surrounding me. I am all-powerful.
I am a prince amongst paupers.

Christ,
I was a Space Cadet champion.

Long live Windows ’98!

Give me a coffee, mom.
I’m ready to fuck the working world.

Wait

I’m not sure what that means.

Wait
Wait

…No, no.
Just get me a bowl of oatmeal instead.
Swap the hot chocolate for a glass of vanilla milk

… yes, bitch, in my Batman cup.

What the fuck you thinkin’

 

Get me a cherry tootsie pop
And a blanket.
I need a nap.
I’m not yet
ready
to
deal
with my
multiplication tables.

*7.8 out of 10*

Review: Wolaver’s Organic Brewing | Alta Gracia Coffee Porter

“That’s the funny thing—it’s the fact that she’s an art student that makes her attractive to me. If she were an artist, hell no.”
Natalie contrived to be agreeable.
“Well… Yeah, an art student is so idealistic, so full of life… and driven. An artist is jaded, cold, and struggling to get by.”
“I don’t know, I think she just fits my type. Then again, any girl whose favorite band is Belle & Sebastian is my type. “
“Well, have you thought of asking her to get coffee at some other establishment?”
I set my cup down on the café table, which wobbled uncontrollably. I eyed the blue-eyed, straight-banged, quirkful barista bouncing from left to right, behind the bar.

She tugged upon the portafilter
like she tugged upon my heartstrings
(awwww)

“Oh, no. No, I’m not like that, I think it’s more of a passive thing. God, I can’t imagine dating. Really, I don’t want to sound anti-social at all, but I can’t stand to think of spending that much time with one person. It’d drive me insane.”

This.
This stupid crap up here.

These ridiculously decadent, yet pedestrian opinions, courtesy of yours truly (and no, I can’t believe they came out of my mouth, either), call to mind the rancidly twee sentiments of Wolaver’s Alta Gracia Coffee Porter. Wolaver’s Organic Brewing, based out of Middlebury, Vermont, is Otter Creek Brewing’s eco-conscious division. While organic craft beer should be twee enough, Wolaver’s goes a step further to include not only organic vanilla in this beer, but also single origin, organic, fair trade coffee beans in this limited, seasonal release. I mean, seriously, this beer deserves a place in Portlandia sketch.

God, I need a shower.

The snow is falling, and it’s the season for rich, dark beers. Indeed, this one is a very appropriate selection for this time of year. Nevertheless, if the beer you’re drinking takes longer than 10 syllables to order at the bar, then you must also accept the culpability of pretention that comes with it. These pretentiousnesses, these pendantic, posturing, maudlin, Napoleonic nonesuchessnesses come part and parcel with the pop of the cap.

You might as well spend the time talking about critical theory and white privilege while imbibing this concoction.

Next time you’re in the company of complete tightwads, why not crank up the NPR and open a few bottles of Alta Gracia? They’ll appreciate its deep black hue, and its subtle, ruby-red tinges when exposed to the light. They’ll swoon when they see its coffee-colored head. They’ll compare it to the likeness of a fine macchiato. They will also make keen remarks about its creamy, pleasant lacing on the glass. That one who looks a lot like a Wes Anderson character might declare how the khaki-colored head recedes quickly, leaving a thin, but decent collar. Passing the glass around, they may say it smells like a creamy, maple latte.

UGH

Personally, it reminds me something called a Five Dollar Shake, which—while tipping a hat to Mr. Quentin Tarentino— you can order at a local watering hole around here, in my hometown, called the Radio Bean. It’s a simple cocktail: some stout, a shot of espresso, and a squeeze of maple syrup on top. It’s straight-up perverted. You know, I get some cola nut in the aroma—

Yeah, that’s right,
cola nut.
Sue me.

You can also detect some rich coffee, a hint of blueberry and other dark fruits—plums… well, mostly plums, and some roasty notes.

Instantly, there’s cherry and coffee on the tongue. Then come the rich, sweet, roasted malts. I’m personally struck—struck, I tell you— by some pleasant caramel and toffee notes. It’s much more balanced than I remembered. As with the aroma, the taste of the porter has those nice berry qualities from the coffee beans. As the flavor begins to fade, I detect slight coconut and vanilla. It ends, finally, with a lingering quasi-nectarine flavor on the back end. There’s definitely a nice stone fruit flavor there. I noticed there’s more chocolate on the nose than actually in the taste, but it does develop a little bit as the flavor subsides (paired with that strangely complimentary nectarine flavor). It’s smooth, sticky, and milky in the mouth.

I’m sure that just sounds so fucking appealing.

It’s what folks may call a chewy beer. All being said, it is hard to drink more than two at a time. It’s a bit viscous. Otherwise, it’s pretty easy drinking.

Anyway, that’s it. I’m done with this crap

I’m gonna join
A
Cult
And
Live
Up
In
The
Mountains!
Coffee
Coffee
Coffee
Coffee
Single origin
Human sacrifices!

*8.5 out of 10*