JESUS, Derek; a best and a worst? You people keep fucking around with the rules. God, I fucking hate all of you. Why do I even bother doing this? I swear to God, you people are just a bunch of mindless sheep who just fucking chirp chirp like meat pickles in a goddamned rainstorm of monkey piss. Fuck myself. Fuck you, Derek.
Fuck you and fuck this list
6. Pabst Brewing Co. | PBR (for a dollar)
Ok. This should be number one on a technicality. A dollar for a PBR? I’d kill a man for a dollar PBR. Do you hear me? A dude, fucking dead.
5. Other Half Brewing Co.
The whole brewery. Seriously? Oh, just let me just pick every beer in NYC for that matter– no wait, America,–no wait, the fucking world,– no wait, beer
4. BFM | Abbaye de Saint Bon-Chien (Biere de Garde, 2014 vintage)
Parlez-vous douche bag?
3. Anderson Valley Brewing Co. | The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose
That’s right, Fox News. Put that in your pipe and fuck yourself.
2. Zero Gravity Craft Brewery | Green State Lager (Pilsener)
Bruh, let’s go camping, I swear I won’t put my finger in your bum while you sleep.
1. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose
Three cheers if you like sour cheerios!
5. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose
Wait, wait, I feel you on this one. At its worst, band-aids and cold sweat. Fuck this beer.
4. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Maple Tripple (American Strong Ale w/Maple, 2015 vintage)
YEAH, Fuck this!
3. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Rhubarb Basil Saison
OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING
2. Ballast Point Brewing Company | Sculpin Nitro IPA
…Oh. Yeah, I guess this sucks too. Whatever.
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Abner (American Imperial IPA, mid-late 2015 vintage)
Deerk is a “bartender” at a magical place called “Waterworks”
Derek likes foofie drinks
Derek serves foofie drinks
Derke has a kitty kat
Father John Misty
Drk Foofie man
I’m losing faith in the public school system.
what the fuck
it tastes like Pliny.
Easy Coast folk
It’s like fresh Pliny
Shit the fuck up
Somebody KILL me
*Uh, what the fuck out of 10*
Otter Creek Brewing Company is something of an anomaly.
…and I’ll tell you why.
Otter Creek is part of the old guard when it comes to Vermont breweries. Lawrence Miller founded the company, back in the early ‘90s. Now he’s chief of Health Care Reform. Yes, in this great state, a drinker can grow to make pivotal decisions about how we obtain basic healthcare.
Freedom and Unity, indeed
Anyway, Miller brewed, largely by himself, for a decade, surprisingly sailing through the collapse of many breweries in the late ‘90s. That is, until Morgan Wolaver—of Wolaver’s Organic Ales—bought him out in 2002. Oh, and they made such fine and natural beers, like big-eyed masturbatory King Harvest songs. Bucolic brews named “Copper Ale” and “Stovepipe Porter” were romantic and keen, and well, pretty boring, but the Brewery made consistently good brews over the decade.
Then came the onslaught of beer-hipsterdom stemming from the artisanal and craft movement of the mid-to-late 2000s and all of the entitled pricks yoked to it. The brewery ultimately suffered, as a result. Wolaver’s reign would eventually end in 2010, when a private equity firm, Fulham and Co., acquired the company via its subsidiary, Long Trail Brewing Company. Literally, at this point, you’re the furthest from relevance and cool as possible. You’d think, any attempt of reinvention would surely result in not only embarrassment, but also the certain demise of the sick man of brewing in the VT craft brew culture.
Enter Mike Gerhart.
“Brewmaster Mike” joined in 2008, leaving a position at Dogfish Head to infuse the withered Otter Creek with fresh blood, just like Lance Armstrong. However, instead of being reprimanded by Oprah, Otter Creek somehow saw some success out of their reimaging. Full of stoner tropes, Otter Creek abandoned their rustic roots and broke out the wah-wah pedal. Seriously, you cannot find a Facebook post not making a reference to weed, weed culture, or flat out being stoned. It’s fucking weird. It’s like reading those posts by that one uncle who never grew up, who manages to maintain an affinity for Cheech and Chong and Star Wars at the age of 45. It’s hard to believe the hipsters eat this shit up, but indeed, they do. To an extent, it’s hard to blame them. This tongue-in-cheek rebranding obviously comes as a gamble, potentially discomfiting the brand’s older, loyal clientele. It’s hard to show up to that company party with a six pack of “Joint Custody” not expecting to get some questions about why the VW bus on the label is billowing with smoke.
Seriously, it is hard to take this beer seriously, but I’m willing to try. The beer is a collaboration with
Massachusetts’ own, Jack’s Abby Brewing. The beer is described as a “nouveau pilsner”
Or whatever the hell that means
Knowing full well they’re grasping at an attempt to be cutting edge, I take their nomenclature with an
ever so small pinch of salt.
While it has a inch of white head on the beer, it recedes quickly. It pours a bright yellow with hints of
earthy amber. It’s slightly hazy. At first sniff, there’s pineapple and apricot. White grapes then begin to
emerge. These are grapes similar to what you’d find in a Riesling. There is also apparent stone fruit detected, which I’d
describe as unripe peach. Then, I get a nice burst of lemon and pepper. Finally, an ever so slight ripe banana tickles my
eeney-weeny widdle nosey-wosey on the back end.
Very much so, do I get dried apricot in the taste. I get bitter orange peel, biscuit malt character and
essentially what I can only describe as mango fruit leather at the end.
Right off the bat, I notice that the mouth feel is a little thicker than one would expect from a lager. Also,
you do get a slightly oily, dry finish from the hops, I expect. It is, however, otherwise crisp.
Do I recommend this beer? Yes. I think it’s certainly worth a try. While it’s much more expensive than
any other Otter Creek beers available in six-packs, it is only around for a limited time (supposedly)– but
you can find it all across New England (and some mid-Atlantic states).
I don’t know.
I guess if Dr. Dre can do it…
*8.3 out of 10*
Ever remember, like, fuckin’, summer camp when you were 10 and your parents bribed you with an N64 if you just, like, shut the fuck up and spent the night at the if, uh, fuckin’ uh, sleepaway camp portion of the night? You know what I mean? Like that Thursday, where like you spend the night and go home the next day like reminsnce with all your friends how much fun– fuck—fuckin summer camp was—uggh, Jesus—but like, your truly afraid because of, like, that monk you heard in the story that, like about like, uh, haunted the camp, it’s kinda like, gonna take u up to the top of the mountain and then like, uh, kill you?
But like, you totally had this crush too—
And’s it’s like, you know, this bitch is like 12 years old
And DTF because she was like older than you
You (mumbling incoherently) totally diggin’ you, great
But like, wanna leave, but wanna be like man up and spend the night
Yeah that’s like
And like you wicks went to the talent show, and it was like you and your friends, and like her and her friends, like, your crew,
Like a talent show, and it sucks, but youse like joking around, and like, definitely kinda sorta like, yeah, like you kn—kiss in this place in a hallway in the staircase, where all the people, chilling out
And then, you like, want to you wanta say good bye to her, and shit, but get that nervous shits when you gotta leave, you don’t uh you know like uh don’t adjust to change very well, it’s like….
You know you like try to like say like hey buy
And she like
But like the next day and all
But they’re like
GET ON THE BUS
And you forget
To take a shi–
That’s like half way along the way
And you realize
Aaah my god
And like you kinda shit yourself
Yeah you definietely do, and yeah
Definitely shit yourself
Kinda ike get like
Like definitely scarred
definitely scarred for the rest
of your life
Yeah, it’s kind—it’s kinda like this beer, I
Yeah, it’s like
Something or oth—
I guess you can say it’s like
Ugh A not reminecnengt
What’s the fuck
What’s the f —
Nuh stal jick
You know it’s like
Definitely kinda smells ike a sharpie
a Magic marker
Some Tangy Swedish fish
Oh and like that
And like that wood, oak
Hanging in the woods and shit
Digging around in the dirt
…I don’t know
In uh the
Definitely black perrr
You know it smells like
Blueberry Pomegranate one
You gonna have like
Breakfast and shit
And you gotta go to work and shit, but you’re like
But like you gotta make some megs(?)
‘Cause it’s it’s like egg day
ITS FUCKING EGG DAY
Gotta make some eggs
Pour yourself some juice
It’s fucking great
The other thing
It’s like a fucking
It’s where the whole thing about shitting yourself came in, I think
Definitely smells like a fresh urinal cake
Tastes like sweetish fish
Like FUCKIN Swedish fish
Very tart – Swedish fish
And like fucking cherry
Big ol’ like cherry basket
Like in promans(?) terms
Lots a like melts of flavor ice
Like the frozen ice sticks you like suck on
Like sucking on
Nota bad way
Ike a good way
When like when you’re a kid watching
A Christmas Story
I don’t know
Kinda like cognac
Kinda like drinking cognac when you’re a kid
Oaks aren’t really there
kinna slightly present
you know like that
Like kids who’s
Skipps class all time in homeroom
Just go smoke weed
Kinda like the oak
Like red wine
Kinda like a red wine
Is kinda like the
Like red version
I love Charizard
Charizard was my favorite
I always picked Charizard
Because he’s the hard one to do
You could always
and do like Bulbasaur
cause like he’s fuckin easy
Like the sour nature of the fruit
Drink a like a lot milk
After a run
And when you don’t vomit
You kinda vomit
That sting in the back of your throat
That’s like that lactic finish
Definitely throw up
Like rinse your mouth out with like lemon juice
Like that sour experience
If you’re into that shit
Pretty velvety otherwise
Imma sniff a sharpie
*9.8 out of 10*
Once, after graduating from college
I went to a party thrown by a few alumni on the North side of town
Flights of stairs
Crooked and stained
I approached the surprisingly unvandalized door hanging on its hinges
The bed in the living room
For one’s viewing
Of the beer pong game currently in
I use ‘pleasure’ and ‘progress’ in quotations because we happened to be sipping, that night, on
Miller High Life,
Was an insult to both pleasure and a testament against our
Languidly, we toasted
Our lives of menial employment
*3.5 out of 10*
I got my glass Batman mug and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie is on deck in the VCR.
Hot chocolate is in the boil.
Ah, powdered Nesquik, whey protein, and water.
Just like old times.
I got my stuffed animals surrounding me. I am all-powerful.
I am a prince amongst paupers.
I was a Space Cadet champion.
Long live Windows ’98!
Give me a coffee, mom.
I’m ready to fuck the working world.
I’m not sure what that means.
Just get me a bowl of oatmeal instead.
Swap the hot chocolate for a glass of vanilla milk
… yes, bitch, in my Batman cup.
What the fuck you thinkin’
Get me a cherry tootsie pop
And a blanket.
I need a nap.
I’m not yet
*7.8 out of 10*
“That’s the funny thing—it’s the fact that she’s an art student that makes her attractive to me. If she were an artist, hell no.”
Natalie contrived to be agreeable.
“Well… Yeah, an art student is so idealistic, so full of life… and driven. An artist is jaded, cold, and struggling to get by.”
“I don’t know, I think she just fits my type. Then again, any girl whose favorite band is Belle & Sebastian is my type. “
“Well, have you thought of asking her to get coffee at some other establishment?”
I set my cup down on the café table, which wobbled uncontrollably. I eyed the blue-eyed, straight-banged, quirkful barista bouncing from left to right, behind the bar.
She tugged upon the portafilter
like she tugged upon my heartstrings
“Oh, no. No, I’m not like that, I think it’s more of a passive thing. God, I can’t imagine dating. Really, I don’t want to sound anti-social at all, but I can’t stand to think of spending that much time with one person. It’d drive me insane.”
This stupid crap up here.
These ridiculously decadent, yet pedestrian opinions, courtesy of yours truly (and no, I can’t believe they came out of my mouth, either), call to mind the rancidly twee sentiments of Wolaver’s Alta Gracia Coffee Porter. Wolaver’s Organic Brewing, based out of Middlebury, Vermont, is Otter Creek Brewing’s eco-conscious division. While organic craft beer should be twee enough, Wolaver’s goes a step further to include not only organic vanilla in this beer, but also single origin, organic, fair trade coffee beans in this limited, seasonal release. I mean, seriously, this beer deserves a place in Portlandia sketch.
God, I need a shower.
The snow is falling, and it’s the season for rich, dark beers. Indeed, this one is a very appropriate selection for this time of year. Nevertheless, if the beer you’re drinking takes longer than 10 syllables to order at the bar, then you must also accept the culpability of pretention that comes with it. These pretentiousnesses, these pendantic, posturing, maudlin, Napoleonic nonesuchessnesses come part and parcel with the pop of the cap.
You might as well spend the time talking about critical theory and white privilege while imbibing this concoction.
Next time you’re in the company of complete tightwads, why not crank up the NPR and open a few bottles of Alta Gracia? They’ll appreciate its deep black hue, and its subtle, ruby-red tinges when exposed to the light. They’ll swoon when they see its coffee-colored head. They’ll compare it to the likeness of a fine macchiato. They will also make keen remarks about its creamy, pleasant lacing on the glass. That one who looks a lot like a Wes Anderson character might declare how the khaki-colored head recedes quickly, leaving a thin, but decent collar. Passing the glass around, they may say it smells like a creamy, maple latte.
Personally, it reminds me something called a Five Dollar Shake, which—while tipping a hat to Mr. Quentin Tarentino— you can order at a local watering hole around here, in my hometown, called the Radio Bean. It’s a simple cocktail: some stout, a shot of espresso, and a squeeze of maple syrup on top. It’s straight-up perverted. You know, I get some cola nut in the aroma—
Yeah, that’s right,
You can also detect some rich coffee, a hint of blueberry and other dark fruits—plums… well, mostly plums, and some roasty notes.
Instantly, there’s cherry and coffee on the tongue. Then come the rich, sweet, roasted malts. I’m personally struck—struck, I tell you— by some pleasant caramel and toffee notes. It’s much more balanced than I remembered. As with the aroma, the taste of the porter has those nice berry qualities from the coffee beans. As the flavor begins to fade, I detect slight coconut and vanilla. It ends, finally, with a lingering quasi-nectarine flavor on the back end. There’s definitely a nice stone fruit flavor there. I noticed there’s more chocolate on the nose than actually in the taste, but it does develop a little bit as the flavor subsides (paired with that strangely complimentary nectarine flavor). It’s smooth, sticky, and milky in the mouth.
I’m sure that just sounds so fucking appealing.
It’s what folks may call a chewy beer. All being said, it is hard to drink more than two at a time. It’s a bit viscous. Otherwise, it’s pretty easy drinking.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m done with this crap
I’m gonna join
*8.5 out of 10*