Tagged: Beer porn

Review: Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | Lux Rye Pale Ale

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

i’ve never committed adultery

the closest i’ve ever come

is flirting across town with two cats

in animal crossing.

 

i’ve never dabbled in that purple music.

 

that violin-laden chorus

punctuated with muted, arrogant trumpets and

spoiled with perverted

ivory keys

 

or perhaps,

maybe I’ve slid a finger or two

into the opening of a can

but not before

depositing

its contents into an unfortunate willi becher

 

reminiscing to the days of

listening to “me and mrs. jones,”

on repeat,

in a market basket,

surreptitiously

eating english muffins in the bread aisle

and drinking johnnie walker double black from

the flask

your mother got you

for christmas.

the cute grocery clerk asks you if you’re alright

passed out on the polyurethane covered tiles.

 

she doesn’t notice the crumbs

you don’t notice

she’s still in high school.

 

winters are magical.

 

the aperture captures

more than what is simply put

directly in its line of fire.

 

the work of art conveys

the true spirit of the artist

despite his silence.

 

onion beer.

stanky stanky

got that danky lanky

pepper spray

take your pants off and pray

citrus pledge wipes

smooth

yet crisp

like the junction of lips on a cold night,

before copious apologies.

 

aggressive.

as I imagined that

first

awkward kiss

with billy mays

 

to be oxy cleaned

by my oxy queen

peel the paint right off the wall.

fuck

 

oh shit

right

the beer is good.

 

*9.8 out of 10*

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Review: Pizza Boy Brewing | Black Sour

 

p-cred: untappd.com

p-cred: untappd.com

Do you owe 500 dollars in back taxes to the Swedish government?
Does your mother know that you know that the cat smokes crack underneath the porch?
Have you, or a loved one, watched 27 Geico commercials in a single sitting?
Do you know what a ham sandwich is?
What is the Internet?
How many ARE you?
Did you ever want to learn a language in 4 days?
 How about 73 days?
Are you not telling yourself that you didn’t know that you were aware that everyone knows that you said that you’re nothing but a fat, melting, piece of horseshit?

Why didn’t you?

What more dock off the total panel most episodic sent with folk queen pacifier under the fountain register did that?

You went and ate all the mmmmminimum

FOLLOW THE RULES

piggy

CALL TODAY

OUR OPERATORS ARE INSIDE THEMSELVES

15
16
17
18
19
20

Have you, or your mortgage poured black, with a nice khaki-colored head?
Do you pay attention to the color?
Do you watch it staring back at you?

…If you pay attention to the color, however, you notice it is actually a very, very deep garnet color. Like a black, with hints of rust. Auburn highlights on the edges of the glass when exposed to a lamp.

DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

It smells like burnt sugar, sour cherries, and it even has a red wine character—tannic, vanilla, almond, light tobacco. Chocolate,

Like the the best dryer sheet ever

ARE YOU, OR A 2011 KIA SORENTO, SUFFERING FROM

…Cherry, tart, lactic bite, dark chocolate, cocoa, bitter, tart raspberry, slight vanilla, very drying, tannic bitterness towards the back end, astringent. Coconut, acetone, classic acidity of a fine red wine. Very oaky on the back end, adding some additional vanillin. Vinous complexity…

INTERNET
INTERNETINTT
INTERNIT
INTERNNENIT

CARL TO DAY

YOU
TOUCAN
STAND
IN LINE
FOR ALL
ETERNITY
AT
THIS RATE I BETTER START WALKING
TO
ENOLA,
PA

INTERNET

CARL
ME
SO
FUCKING
YEP

…very quaffable, thinner than expected. Drinks like a slightly carbonated wine.

*9.2 out of 10*

 

Review: Boulder Beer Company | Shake Chocolate Porter

Shake beer pic

I got my glass Batman mug and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie is on deck in the VCR.
Hot chocolate is in the boil.

Ah, powdered Nesquik, whey protein, and water.

Just like old times.

I got my stuffed animals surrounding me. I am all-powerful.
I am a prince amongst paupers.

Christ,
I was a Space Cadet champion.

Long live Windows ’98!

Give me a coffee, mom.
I’m ready to fuck the working world.

Wait

I’m not sure what that means.

Wait
Wait

…No, no.
Just get me a bowl of oatmeal instead.
Swap the hot chocolate for a glass of vanilla milk

… yes, bitch, in my Batman cup.

What the fuck you thinkin’

 

Get me a cherry tootsie pop
And a blanket.
I need a nap.
I’m not yet
ready
to
deal
with my
multiplication tables.

*7.8 out of 10*

Review: Stone/Baird/Ishii Brewing Co. | Japanese Green Tea IPA (2015 Edition)

Stone Japanese Green Tea IPA

Sun rises over the Akaishi Mountains.
The fog rolls in, billowing.
It slowly retreats as the gold tongues of sunlight lick against the tea fields.
Buddhist monks in a nearby monastery practice their levitation techniques while their pet dragon chases its tail around the premises.
A demented farmhand beats a goat with a swath of reeds.
In the distance, local schoolgirls engage in sexual intercourse with a demonic cephalopod.

Ah, Japan.

These things brought to mind when sipping this beer, I find.
It’s as if it gives me no excuse to travel.
If I only have to spend $7.99 on this “plane ticket,” that’s fine.
No, it’s not being culturally insensitive,
It’s being culturally economical.
Fuck you.
Moreover, if I drink enough, it’s like I’m flying anyway.

They can keep their Shaolin Soccer and feline delicacies.

…Wait, never mind; is that China?

…Eh, pretty much the same country—same difference.

I guess what I really trying to say, here, is that the Japanese can only wish they could brew beer like we Americans. I mean, hell, we pretty much invented beer.

Sure, the beer is really collaboration between Mitch Steele of Stone Brewing, Bryan Baird of Baird Brewing out of Numazu, Japan, and Toshi Ishii of Ishii Brewing in Guam, but we’ll just gloss that over.

USA! USA!

The Imperial IPA was originally brewed as part of a relief effort after an horrendous tsunami rent asunder much of Coastal Japan. So, again, America to the rescue.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Due to increases in efficiency, this new brew improved upon the 9.2% ABV from 2011, to now 10.1%. Rejoice, then, that you can support your alcoholism at a near 10 percent discount!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Before you black out, make sure to take time to appreciate the tangerine glow of this ale. Savor its great lacing, its bright white, pillowy (no, fuck you, Microsoft Word; “pillowy” is a fucking word, you fascist bastard, don’t give me that red squiggly line treatment) head, quickly receding. Note how very transparent it is. It has surprisingly vigorous carbonation, yet not so surprisingly, it tempers quickly.

Not unlike my astonishing sexual technique.

Before you zonk out on the counter, relish the aromas of peach, pineapple, grapefruit, honey, grass, and some floral crap—like orange blossom, or something.

Taste the spicy apricot. Understand the grapefruit. Attempt to rationalize the lemongrass. Challenge the bright, green tea flavor to an arm wrestling match. Flirt with the big herbal notes—salty seaweed, mango flavor (likely from the tea) grassy, vegetal qualities are all sweet nothings you can whisper to get brownie points. Appreciate the sweet finish. Settle with the sloppy seconds of more apricot, especially on the aftertaste.

Before your roommate calls an ambulance, notice that sticky texture left in the mouth, contemplate the beer’s decent carbonation and its warming, seemly post-coital coda.

Slam your head into the corner of the refrigerator door as you grab for the sushi.

USA! USA! USA! USSA! UAS! SSA! ASSASAUSSA! SUSSSUUSUSUSA! SAUSUDFHFNAKFOGSOEFGJAasaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

*8.8 out of 10*

Review: Stone Brewing Co. | Enjoy By 02.14.15 IPA

Stone Enjoy by 21415
CHAPTER 4 – Regurgitation
Head
hung,
I gazed upon my orthopedic shoes, longingly.
If only I could stand as straight as a light pole
Liam droned—somehow excitedly—on, and on, about British dramedies now streaming on Netflix.
Great, sounds as exciting as a homemade hanging broadcast from a creaky loft in an unfinished summer cottage in the Cape, at twilight, as the boats draw into the harbor.
GO TUGBOATS!!!
He stuttered against my profile, as my eyes focused like lenses upon the voluptuous essence lolling upon the barstool in the endearing shit-hole we shared.
God bless the Onion city! Defend! Advocate! Scintillate! Desecrate!
She
Begged
For attention in that kind of
“Can’t you see I want to be alone?”
Kind of way
Yeah, I hear you, babe. I love being left alone. Have I told you how long I’ve been alone? Let’s compare our longevity. Oh, too hot for you?
THAT’S
JUST
HOW
I
FLY
YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
”…on bicycles, surrounded by screens just showing these awful, reality shows…”
“Oh, yeah. Sounds like a great show; I’ll have to check it out. It’s on Netflix?”
I took a big gulp of beer, nearly choking.
It was worth it—
Kiwi, pine, plum, mango, papaya disturbed the senses. I was in a fucking tropical paradise. Passionfruit laid out the welcome mat, pineapple came on strong, drawing me in.
Slight biscuit,
cracker malt.
Elements of juniper and gin at the very end.
Flintstone vitamins.
Stoned immaculate.

CHAPTER 5 – Conversation
Leaning in, I see her pupils deflate to the tune of a pin pressed gently into a vinyl balloon.
I slyly sauntered over, eyes ablaze with perverse intent.
I burped Hi-C Ecto Cooler in her face.
I could see her eyes burn in the midst of that tropical bomb.
“Hey, are you enjoying the band? My name is—“
Jesus, you sick fuck.”

CHAPTER 6 – Aftertaste
As my future wife scampered off in disgust, I slouched on her abandoned bar stool. Listlessly swirling the tungsten potion in my right hand I sniffed and snorted, loudly. Cannabis, orange, apricot, hints of Oolong tea. Brilliant shit. Slight herbal hops. Kumquat. Lemon, citrus candy, Orange Kool-Aid, better than Sunday morning sex—
The folks to my right were staring at me, clearly trying to figure out if I knew I was thinking out loud (I didn’t).
Ooh, girl, I want to take you out back to my tool shed and spank the lipstick off you, boo.
They began to fidget uncomfortably.
Baby, you taste like a sexy bunny.
The young woman began to tug on her boyfriends arm, hoping to quickly escape.
Bitch, I’m gonna drink the fuck right out your mouth—
The aforementioned boyfriend stood up, approached me directly with the most scowling bitchface before barking, “you’re a sick fuck. You know that?”

God—

Ok, that’s it, I can’t write anymore of this shit.
This is so stupid.
I don’t know; just go and drink the beer. It’s good like last time.

Like, I’m wasting my time.

*9.4 out 10*