Review: von Trapp Brewing Co. | Kolsch Style Summer Session Ale

 

Like sucking on the

fingers

of

Jimmy Carter

 

Oh yeah

Fuck

Hobby Lobby

 

*10 out of 10*

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Review: Allagash Brewing Company | Hoppy Table Beer

source: allagash.com

Abstract: Though at first a tenuous argument, there is a comparison to be made between Chance the Rapper’s 2016 mixtape, Coloring Book, and  Allagash Brewing Company’s Hoppy Table Beer. Both are both modest in content and approach—Chance’s album was free and widely available. Fantastic in every sense of the word, it also deals with humbling topics while being very lighthearted. Allagash released a similarly fantastic beer the same year despite the hype of huge haze bombs, and— echoing Michael Kiser, here—  could have called it a session Belgian pale ale/IPA. However, they went another route because it wanted to be accessible to a wide audience and be true to themselves, the beer itself, and its image. Plus, the beer drinks well with the album. I’d want to meet Chance and Rob Tod equally for the same reasons. In this article, I will provide evidence of this esoteric relationship  and prove that two different creative paths can converge in one beautiful destination. With an open mind, please consider the following.

BIG UPDATE GUYS

Check out the new handle on the shitter!

 

Look

 

2016 was spent mostly drunk, stumbling through suburbia underneath the lampposts. The tall green oaks stretching over and above as stalactites, the nocturnal world was a cavern of summer hell. The creatures of the night, the specters of regret, slept in strangers’ beds or on sidewalks.

 

Like an

ass

hole

 

What used to tingle now went numb

As the sensation of subversion now became

Tapdancing

Upon the

Ceiling.

 

Effortless and

 

Mortifying.

 

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK

 

Sitting in the taproom, on the barstool yet to be broken, listening to Coloring Book, a sermon was delivered.

 

Ain’t no Twitter in Heaven

 

The sun bled into the room like over-salted stirfry, pungent and nauseating.

 

Wait

 

That’s not

The

Sun

Always good at hungover

 

conversation

 

A gift of gab

A

Svelte

Tongue

 

Thin and sharp

 

A pin

 

To

 

Pop

 

The puffed up

 

Neckbeards

 

Get the fuck out of my bar

 

And you ain’t slick either

 

You

 

Leather

Scented

 

Banana republic

 

Reject

 

Take

Your

Fuck

Shit

And

Bounch

 

 

Live

And

Let

Go

To

Bed.

 

 

4:30 and the seesaw plateaus

Head upon the picnic tables

 

Bottle in hand.

 

Chorus blaring a

Shrill

Bellow

 

Magnify, magnify,

 

Gold as straw and so mellow

 

Yellow haze, white and sticky

 

Using words like effervescent

 

Like it means something

 

Pineapple and cat piss.

 

Like it means something.

 

Juicy fruit gum.

 

That’s more like it. Light pine and grapefruit.

Floral.

Tulips.

Slight bandaid, but not to a fault

Classic latex glove.

 

Sterile, yet so dirty.

 

Pine. Peach. Pear. Dry Tonic water

—so, quinine and lemon?

Spice—

coriander comes through, mostly towards the end.

 

That unmistakable, indescribable

 

Azacca

 

So beautiful.

Deciduous,

temperate

and tropical all at the same time.

 

  • I’m telling you guys, the toilet works great!

 

*9.5 out of 10*

Review: Unibroue (Sapporo) | La Fin du Monde

We sat in the front seat of the school bus and he showed me his YuGiOh cards, while I sat, reticent, eyes glazed over, straining to feign a doting air. I knew, glancing at his uniquely steady hands, that he could shoot up a school at a moment’s notice. Nobody liked Cory. Hell, I didn’t like Cory. I wrung my hands trying to bond with him over our favorite My Chemical Romance song as I contemplated abrading my groin with coarse sandpaper in a fetishistic act of escapism.

 

An arsenal of anxiety

Born out of bad timing

I invested in a few moments in purgatory

To dodge an intentional bullet.

 

These are the folks that might grow up,

Join the military

And vent their frustrations out alone

In the

Desert.

Or if they’re lucky

Start a family

In

South Dakota

And

Never talk about

Their

Adolescence

Again.

 

That’s this beer. For everyone who considered suicide a fashion statement, there’s this beer. For everyone who got a little too much into Norse mythology, there’s this beer. For anyone who’s currently a CPA, there’s this God-forsaken Belgian Tripel.

 

Just give him the money and go.

 

Be silent.

 

Step away

And

 

Let him eat his taco bell in the food court

With

The camera

On.

 

Documenting

Everything

As

Evidence

 

 

Apricot, hazy, gold around the edges of the glass. Bright, white, fluffy head.  Moderate lacing.

 

Meticulous notes

 

banana acetone, white pepper, rosemary and thyme. Orange and grass.

 

For no one but himself

 

 Apple cider, black pepper, bananas if they were bitter, bubblegum, buckwheat honey, baked apple. Cloyingly sweet…

 

 

But who will find them?

 

 Effervescent, syrupy, medium thick.

 

Like the blood on  li

ps

 

 

You

W

Anted

 

To be

 

 

Caught

 

 

This

 

 

Aint

Pokemon

 

 

My fin    gers

 

*9.4 out of 10*

Review: Zima Beverage Co. (MillerCoors) | Zima (2017)

Jeff,

pass

the

aux

cord

 

Bruh, you better not play

“Two Princes” by Spin Doctors

 

 

It’s time to smoke

 

  1. CRACK

Baby

And rob a bank

Because it’s 2017 and ZIMA’S BACK

 

It’s been a hard year

 

Donald Trump is gonna

make KFC day a national holiday

and your boy is gonna spray paint

Jeff Sessions

smocking a

dobie on the back of my

 

 

Trukc

 

 

If you ever wondered what it would have been like to drink the Coors “clearmalt” classic while Twin Peaks was still on the air, now’s your chance.

 

I was lucky to score a bottle of this whale down at my local bottle shop, of all places.

 

No line.

 

No kidding.

 

Right?! I was fucking pumped, son.

 

They had a couple bottles of this Tilquin variant too, but I just had to pass though. Tickers were on my trail.

 

Let me show you my kill, dude…

 

 

Yeah, had to break out my OG Other Half Teku for this one.

 

So fresh

 

Oh, and peep that Trill-dill-ium Dialed-In print there?

 

So clutch, my dued.

 

So anyway, super clear, tight bubbles, nice legs on the glass—and I mean legggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggS

Sude

 

How do they get it so clear dude

I don’t get it,

Another lvel bruffest

Fock

 

It’s got that look of thin, cold spit– like a baby overflowing in grandma’s arms.

 

MMM and that nose?  Bruh, it’s weird, but it reminds me of a good sake mixed with Tang.

…Lightly bready…

A little bit of steamed rice… and pineapple Italian ice.

 

Dude, studying for this Cicerone exam has really helped me capture these volatile aromatics, bro

 

Sprite and codeine

 

Sticks to the mouth

Like tomorrow’s hangover

Or dried blood

Or

Both.

 

This is literally the equivalent of Riff Raff’s Instagram account.

 

*Jeff/10*

 

Review: Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | Lux Rye Pale Ale

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

i’ve never committed adultery

the closest i’ve ever come

is flirting across town with two cats

in animal crossing.

 

i’ve never dabbled in that purple music.

 

that violin-laden chorus

punctuated with muted, arrogant trumpets and

spoiled with perverted

ivory keys

 

or perhaps,

maybe I’ve slid a finger or two

into the opening of a can

but not before

depositing

its contents into an unfortunate willi becher

 

reminiscing to the days of

listening to “me and mrs. jones,”

on repeat,

in a market basket,

surreptitiously

eating english muffins in the bread aisle

and drinking johnnie walker double black from

the flask

your mother got you

for christmas.

the cute grocery clerk asks you if you’re alright

passed out on the polyurethane covered tiles.

 

she doesn’t notice the crumbs

you don’t notice

she’s still in high school.

 

winters are magical.

 

the aperture captures

more than what is simply put

directly in its line of fire.

 

the work of art conveys

the true spirit of the artist

despite his silence.

 

onion beer.

stanky stanky

got that danky lanky

pepper spray

take your pants off and pray

citrus pledge wipes

smooth

yet crisp

like the junction of lips on a cold night,

before copious apologies.

 

aggressive.

as I imagined that

first

awkward kiss

with billy mays

 

to be oxy cleaned

by my oxy queen

peel the paint right off the wall.

fuck

 

oh shit

right

the beer is good.

 

*9.8 out of 10*

Review: Brasserie Dieu du Ciel! | Solstice d’été aux Framboises

Photo credit: beerism.ca

Photo credit: beerism.ca

My God, this beer smells incredible. It’s so bright and fruity! How distinctively tart, like a field of ripe red raspberries dancing in the cool breeze! The nose on this is so good I could just

Vote for Hillary Clinton.

COCAINE 2016

howard-dean

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

*9.0 out of 10*