Beerenders: Travis Perrotte

Ooh, looky-here, Mr. Travis decided to be Mr. Difficult and gave me a top-six list. Either way, nobody cares, here’s this stupid shit:
6. 21st Amendment Brewing Co. | Toaster Pastry (India-style red ale)

toaster-pastry beer

What the fuck? A pop-tart? Wait, this is a beer?

5. The Alchemist | Focal Banger (American IPA)

focal_sign_01

Real mature.

4. Burlington Beer Co. | Chunky (American-style peanut butter porter, 2015 vintage)

chunky burlington beer

Another obscure beer. Seriously, what’s wrong with you fucking beer hipsters? What’s next, pizza stout? Tuna saison? An American pale ale enema? Fuck off. Peanut butter in your fucking beer; Grow up.

3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Double Citra (Imperial pale ale)

double citra

Boy, Sean Lawson really hit it out of the park with this one. It’s almost as good as his Heady Topper, but luckily it’s widely available at an affordable price.

2. Goose Island Brewing Co. | Bourbon County Brand Regal Rye Stout (2015 vintage)

bourbon county regal rye


1. Grimm Artisanal Ales | Tesseract (American DIPA)

Tesseract Grimm DIPA

Nice. Another beer I’ll never have. Awesome, Travis. Aren’t you a fucking snowflake.

These are Travis’s top 5 beers, I guess.

Travis likes to take a lot of fucking pictures.

I like this one:

Travis Perrotte Lake Champlain
The other ones are also ok, I guess.

But where are the fuckin snuff films, you cow
Travis needs to stop being a shithead and remember that peanut butter is for drinking, not for eating.

Geez, people.

I bet, if you asked Father John Misty if he liked putter bumpkin in his beer, he’d probably kick you in the dick.

Yeah, right in the mouth.

Anyway, here’s Father John Misty:

Beerenders: Shawn Beaulieu

Alright, ALRIGHT; here’s long-time reader and Malt Fiction subscriber “Shawn’s” top 5 beers of the year. Don’t go crazy, everybody; just calm the fuck down. We all know how important this is. We’re going to get through it:

 

5. Hermit Thrush Brewery | Jolly Abbot (Sour Belgian Barleywine, 2015 vintage)

credit: untappd.com

Sure, Bolio, pick something no one has ever heard of. You piece of shit. Oh, right, I was there when you tried that.  You still suck.

4. Maine Beer Company | Lunch IPA (American IPA)

Maine beer lunch

Eh.

3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Arthur (Farmhouse Ale, 2015 vintage)

hf arthur

SHIT SON, YOU CAN PUT THIS BEER IN YOUR TOP 5, BUT NOT “I LOVE YOU, HONEYBEAR” BY FATHER JOHN MISTY IN YOUR TOP 10 ALBUMS? FUCK YOU.

2. Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | The Substance Ale (American IPA)

substance ale

Okey dokey, Sam Blow, I’ll give you a pass on this one.

1. Brouwerij Rodenbach | Rodenbach Caractère Rouge (Flanders Red Ale)

Brock Rodenbach Caractere

THIS IS THE GODEL, ESCHER, BACH OF BEERS. FIGURES, BOLIO.

uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

…fuck, where was I?

Uh,

Anyway,

These are, uh, Shane Bowery’s favorite beers.

Shap hates music, I guess–

And he lives in Canada

You might as well call him Ted Cruz.

At least Ted Cruz probably likes “I Love You, Honeybear,” by Father John Misty.

Fucking idiot

Fuck you, Jane Blooey.
Now give me my money.

PLEASE free Shamu.

 

This is what I think of your top 5, Jim-

Review: Fiddlehead Brewing Co. | AmarilLo Faber (Pale Ale)

Photo credit: Fiddlehead Brewing

Photo credit: Fiddlehead Brewing Co.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t fucking know.

I guess the beer is named after some jam band artist.

Like the kind of crunchy shit you see that old-time, communist, bird-loving hippie with Birkenstocks wrapped around his elbows
Eating a crappy harmonica
Dancing outside of the santanic co-op on a skateboard
Getting a tattoo of colonel Bernie Sanders on his inner thigh
The right one—
Listening to.

Like, when are we getting back to those good old days when nobody cared that there was lead paint in our pancakes, and when we we’re bad, we got the good old-fashioned two-by-four to the groin.

I can remember Momma,
standing on her ironing board,
flipping the bird

And gramma and grampa would tell us about
the war…

Hacky sack fuckin
Snowboarders
With
Marijuana
Keyboards

Fuck outta here

But the beer’s ok.
It looks like peepee with a bright white head. It looks as American as Lager, with a capital fuckin’ L.
FUCKIL

It’s not completely clear or transparent, but somewhere between transparent and translucent, whatever the fuck that means. Also, it’s sort of reminiscent of sparkling hard apple cider. It’s leaves a decent, inappropriate, sticky lacing on the glass.

Very light aroma. Floral akin to tulips, light citrus, hint of pine, mango, bright orange on the back end.

Candy orange,
passionfruit,
bitter orange peel,
light honey,
white bready malt,
white grape, faint fennel on the back end.

Crisp, yet medium body, dry finish.

Ok beer.
Better than the average pale ale, but does lack some in aroma and taste.

*8.0 out of 10*

Review?: Burlington Beer Company | (9 month old) Chasing Rabbits

Uh

what the fuck

it tastes like Pliny.

Seriously

Easy Coast folk

It’s like fresh Pliny

Shit the fuck up

Somebody KILL me

 

*Uh, what the fuck out of 10*

 

Review: Foley Brothers Brewing | Prospect DIPA

cred: fckn beverage warehouse of vt

cred: fckn
beverage warehouse of vt

This beautiful ladey is a frantastic kind of beer to the godly pre-existing cataloge santamonius craft IPAs of Foley Brothers offerings. The promenade away from Winooski was well worth my time and effort and energy , notta mention my hard work sweat and blood .This beer Looks a lot like a honey-like. Golden. Hazey. Soapy lacing. Slightly off-white head. Kind of looks like duck sauce. Smells are very reminiscent of their Pisces of Eight, Kinda smells
like duck sauce.

Double parking up the hill
Stepping out the Audi in your hoodie-footies,
Use one porto-potty to see how it works
Use the other to get the experience
Spit on the barn board to make sure it’s real

Pineapple. Apple sauce (no spicies, just straight sweet apples).
Orange marmalade.
Peachy/pear fruit cocktail. Syrupy. Very light alcohol
notes. Almost no pine. Chamomile escorted by a hop aroma and duck sauce
that is jointly fruity and pungeant. I over and over again instituted myself perplexed by the tang of this mangnmoneious tour de force. Going back to that Del Monte fruit cocktail cups—peaches, pears, marashino cherries in a syrupy cordiale.
Acrimony analoguous to orange blossom honey, then I obtain a strong honey and astringent orange pith in the hub of the mouth. Then there is desicated apricot. It withers into a understatedd pine and menthol.

Once again to make sure you’re real.
You don’t believe in chewing gum
Not even the kind that improves your smile.
Your ideal evening is casual conversation about your pets, the Phillies, and your favorite movie,
“Welcome to Mooseport.”

Very little malt temperment aside what can be illustrated as Hawaian sweet rolls.
Although Foley Brothers may not have created the carma surta on crafting the perfect IIIPA their allegieance to composing a extremist subdivision within the pages is quite ostensibel with all of this here before you, the most recent submission from what gives the impression to be THE superlative micro-brewery in the state most presently. “Prospect” should out to bea voluntarily analysized as a household erection of a rumble pack to the rectum by a brewery that is so completely forthright ready and adapt to procure the craft beer world by storm. To Paterick and Dan the master brewers, persevere with greatness. God sppeed and give em hell. Shoot em to thrill call em like you see em. You can get em when you wantem then get it get it done. You da best. I think you can kill ISIS

 

*8.9 out of 10*

Sour Beer Sunday: Brouwerij de Brabandere | Petrus Oud Bruin

source: petrussourbeer.com

source: petrussourbeer.com

Sour Beer Sunday is Sour Beer Monday in China.

If it’s morning where you are right now, here’s your opportunity for some breakfast beer. The beer is Petrus Oud Bruin, a Flanders Oud Bruin ale from Brouwerij de Brabandere. Have it with some banana bread.

It says ‘the Key to Heaven’ on the bottle. Not sure what they’re talking about. You have to drink a lot of these to go to heaven because it’s only 5.5% ABV.

It’s OK.

It’s not super sour, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Like hop bombs in the IPA world, many breweries pump out aggressively sour beers that can often ruin the overall drinking experience. I just happen to believe that other comparable breweries—Rodenbach, Bockor (makers of Cuvée des Jacobins Rouge), and Hanssens—offer some more complex offerings.

It’s a deep, ruby red colored ale. I’d call it translucent, you can see through it if you expose it to the light. It leaves a very pleasant lacing on the glass and it happens to have a nice, rocky, khaki colored head.

It smells of tart cherries, walnuts, and almonds. It’s got an all-around nuttiness going on. I’d also describe it to have an aroma of dark, German-style rye bread with a little spice character. Finally, there’s some red grape in there too, similar to what you’d find in a pinot noir.

There’s a toasted malt character up front. The acidity is medium-light. Notes of plum and tart cherry come about in the middle of the mouth. Then, there are some caramel notes on the back end. The tartness and funk is there, but the microflora are a little in the background with this one.

It has low carbonation and actually has a somewhat thin body.

It’s cheap; it’s satisfactory. If you’re looking for a budget sour, here you go.

I’d pair it with roast turkey—or even what you’d find at a Thanksgiving dinner table. Aged cheddar would be another good choice. Personally, I’d suggest grabbing one of these beers and drinking it with a nice, hot order of America’s family favorite, Dominos Cinna Stix®.