Here’s the first submission for Beerenders 2017, and it’s a fucking doozy. Derek is a bartender at Maine Beer Company, so of course he’d put a MBC beer on this list. What a surprise. Anyway, here are Derek’s thoughts, verbatim:
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery| Anna (Biere de Miel)
1. Mast Landing Brewing Co.| Gunners Daughter (Milk Stout w/Peanut Butter)
1. TRVE Brewing Co.| Cursed (American Wild Ale)
1. Maine Beer Co. | Peeper (American Pale Ale)
1. FATE Brewing Co. | Moirai IPA w/Coffee
Yay everyone’s a winner! For just that sudden moment, things seemed to be not too fucking shitty with the world. Beer is great. You know it. i know it. Everybody knows it.
Shut the fuck up, Derek. Things are getting progressively shittier and your hippie participation trophy bullshit isn’t helping anything. But, maybe you’ve got a point. Lists are dumb. Everyone is terrified of the future and should really just enjoy the moment with whatever they want to drink with whomever they choose to do that with. Life is meaningless. I haven’t felt this level of despair since I was left resorted to the fetal position under a table at a rundown Burger King a year and a half ago. I had received a cease and desist letter from Usain Bolt’s lawyers for using his likeness on a bath toy I created that I affectionately called “Usain Boat,”or “U-Boat” for short. Anyway folks, keep sending your meaningless lists and I’ll pretend the world’s not on fire.
I just wanted to make him proud
Uhh… An Earl Grey peach pit told me prom didn’t exist
*Better than sex/10*
Bruh, you better not play
“Two Princes” by Spin Doctors
It’s time to smoke
And rob a bank
Because it’s 2017 and ZIMA’S BACK
It’s been a hard year
Donald Trump is gonna
make KFC day a national holiday
and your boy is gonna spray paint
dobie on the back of my
If you ever wondered what it would have been like to drink the Coors “clearmalt” classic while Twin Peaks was still on the air, now’s your chance.
I was lucky to score a bottle of this whale down at my local bottle shop, of all places.
Right?! I was fucking pumped, son.
They had a couple bottles of this Tilquin variant too, but I just had to pass though. Tickers were on my trail.
Let me show you my kill, dude…
Yeah, had to break out my OG Other Half Teku for this one.
Oh, and peep that Trill-dill-ium Dialed-In print there?
So clutch, my dued.
So anyway, super clear, tight bubbles, nice legs on the glass—and I mean legggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggS
How do they get it so clear dude
I don’t get it,
Another lvel bruffest
It’s got that look of thin, cold spit– like a baby overflowing in grandma’s arms.
MMM and that nose? Bruh, it’s weird, but it reminds me of a good sake mixed with Tang.
A little bit of steamed rice… and pineapple Italian ice.
Dude, studying for this Cicerone exam has really helped me capture these volatile aromatics, bro
Sprite and codeine
Sticks to the mouth
Like tomorrow’s hangover
Or dried blood
This is literally the equivalent of Riff Raff’s Instagram account.
Alright, ALRIGHT; here’s long-time reader and Malt Fiction subscriber “Shawn’s” top 5 beers of the year. Don’t go crazy, everybody; just calm the fuck down. We all know how important this is. We’re going to get through it:
5. Hermit Thrush Brewery | Jolly Abbot (Sour Belgian Barleywine, 2015 vintage)
Sure, Bolio, pick something no one has ever heard of. You piece of shit. Oh, right, I was there when you tried that. You still suck.
4. Maine Beer Company | Lunch IPA (American IPA)
3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Arthur (Farmhouse Ale, 2015 vintage)
SHIT SON, YOU CAN PUT THIS BEER IN YOUR TOP 5, BUT NOT “I LOVE YOU, HONEYBEAR” BY FATHER JOHN MISTY IN YOUR TOP 10 ALBUMS? FUCK YOU.
2. Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | The Substance Ale (American IPA)
Okey dokey, Sam Blow, I’ll give you a pass on this one.
1. Brouwerij Rodenbach | Rodenbach Caractère Rouge (Flanders Red Ale)
THIS IS THE GODEL, ESCHER, BACH OF BEERS. FIGURES, BOLIO.
…fuck, where was I?
These are, uh, Shane Bowery’s favorite beers.
Shap hates music, I guess–
And he lives in Canada
You might as well call him Ted Cruz.
At least Ted Cruz probably likes “I Love You, Honeybear,” by Father John Misty.
Fuck you, Jane Blooey.
Now give me my money.
PLEASE free Shamu.
This is what I think of your top 5, Jim-
My mother drove me to drinking within 5 minutes of clearing the security checkpoint at Burlington International Airport.
It was nine in the morning.
A crepe, ham, egg, and a Heady.
I was acutely aware of my uniqueness. Tightwads in ties and pantsuits were typing away on their slightly out-of-date laptops, judgingly.
I was on vacation.
I touched down in LAX at rush hour. I was greeted by a dying Italian man, hard-of-hearing. I told him, “The corner of Venice and Westwood—
THE CORNER OF WESTWOOD AND
THE CORNER OF WESTWOOD—
He asked for the address instead.
We were on our way.
10 minutes in Los Angeles, and I already knew we missed Sepulveda Boulevard.
Fuck, this guy doesn’t know where the hell we’re going.
“We take the freeway?”
“Uh, whatever which way is fastest.” My taxi negotiation methods were completely on point.
Exhausted, I stumbled into the apartment, sweaty and careworn.
Awkwardly and carefully, I was welcomed like a fledgling bird, discovering flight—
Or, Jesus at a cocktail party.
The expression of reunion of old friends—
Socially awkward old friends—
Is something to witness.
–Like getting away with uttering an offensive joke, but more than just that.
It’s like saying a certain six letter word in the midst of a certain demographic and getting a pat on the back.
While I was ecstatic to reunite with a friend of seven-years-past and to meet his witty fiancée, I needed two things.
I got both.
Firestone DBA and some cheap Brazilian food were my introduction to West LA—the West Coast.
The world became a suddenly massive place
And I was in an increasingly expansive space
Ten bedroom homes
Thank you Ralph’s!
The Santa Monica pier
And Russian River Beer
I was introduced to
At my Father’s Office
Did I learn
When I delved
My pockets .
Pivo Pils was all well and fine with
Ahi burgers at the quarter of 9.
As Thursday dilly-dallied
I guzzled Anderson Valley
And while it was silky as wine
Jardinier was mighty kind.
And while I loved the beers of Beachwood BBQ so,
At the end of the day, all you’re really looking at is the manifestation of a lonely and mostly fruitless hobby. Depressing, you say? Why yes, in fact, unless you’ve got the connections, and the ad space, sponsorship, endorsements and at that point no life, you’re really just casting pieces of paper you scribbled some inane musings on into the vast rapids of a tempestuous tide, never to be seen again (except by those friends of yours at the river bank with their own crumpled napkins in hand who catch your debris floating downstream). I’m not here, however, to talk about rivers or napkins or endorsements for that matter.
The purpose of what’s before you is really a labor of love for myself, my friends and anyone else who loves
What you’re looking at is a webpage with a keen, discriminating eye for all things hoppy, malty, chewy, salty, meaty, wheat-y, refreshing and good. The mission is simple:
Find what’s fresh,
Advocate for the little guy,
and frankly, fuel a delicious vice.
That is all.