Want to know what’s so 2015?
Not fucking standing in a six-person line for an hour-and-a-half in a liquor store with a bunch of gross, chauvinistic, rotund beer Nazis who literally shit on every person who asks if we’re waiting in the goddamned Heady Topper line (Ok, they don’t shit on them physically—but they give the sad saps such a look that might as well be a telepathic fecal injection to the face).
You know what else is soooooo 2015?
Not waiting in this line for this beer to hit the shelves just to buy one beer. No, no, this isn’t a line to buy a case or two of some rare beer or something. No, you get one beer. No, you don’t get to have one of each beer available in this line, you get to choose one beer.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS SOOOOOOO FUCKING 2015?
Consciously not going out of your way to spend an ungodly $30—THIRTY DOLLARS—on this one beer just so you can bring it to the New Year’s Eve party and drink it all by yourself.
Nah, nah, that’s cool, you can just put it on the radiator in the bathroom next to the q-tips and Instagram that shit while you yourself are taking a shit!
HEY, LOOK WORLD! HERE’S HOW I’M RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR! HERE’S A THIRTY DOLLAR BOTTLE OF SOME SOUR-ASS BEER THAT MOST OF YOU WON’T EVEN LIKE! NAH, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, LET ME JUST FLAUNT MY BOURGEOIS LIFESTYLE WHILE I DRINK THIS CRAP IN THE BATHROOM WITH MY PANTS DOWN AROUND MY ANKLES! IT’S LIKE YOU’RE ENJOYING IT WITH ME! ISN’T THIS GREAT? OH, HEY, WOULD YOU MIND CHANGING THE TOILET PAPER ROLL FOR ME?
It’s what the humble brewers at Brasserie Cantillon would have wanted.
Oh, I’m sure that the little old brewery in Belgium would just love to see that on the internet.
I’m sure they’d just love to see me rant about this junk, which took two years to make.
I’m sure they’d rather just have me talk about how refreshingly tart it is
–yeah, like a squirt of lemon in the eye
Or, perhaps discuss the complexity of the yeast character
–it’s like eating a piece of brie cheese after throwing it in a bale of hay and rolling around in it like a complete moron. Oh, throw some grapes in that mess, for good measure.
And then have a puke
But I’m sure they’d at least prefer that I comment on how easy-drinking the beer is
–you ever gargle vinegar before?
Look, even the word ‘gueuze’ (the style of this god-forsaken beer) just sounds like the byproduct of something disturbingly, deviantly sexual.
—Oh, my new year’s resolution?
To stop being an idiot, and just start drinking Coors Light for the rest of my life.
Just gimme a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese and let me watch hockey. Happy Fucking New Year.
What else in hell did you think it was?
*9.2 out of 10*