Category: Reviews

Review: Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | Lux Rye Pale Ale

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

photo credit: Bissell Bros, twitter

i’ve never committed adultery

the closest i’ve ever come

is flirting across town with two cats

in animal crossing.

 

i’ve never dabbled in that purple music.

 

that violin-laden chorus

punctuated with muted, arrogant trumpets and

spoiled with perverted

ivory keys

 

or perhaps,

maybe I’ve slid a finger or two

into the opening of a can

but not before

depositing

its contents into an unfortunate willi becher

 

reminiscing to the days of

listening to “me and mrs. jones,”

on repeat,

in a market basket,

surreptitiously

eating english muffins in the bread aisle

and drinking johnnie walker double black from

the flask

your mother got you

for christmas.

the cute grocery clerk asks you if you’re alright

passed out on the polyurethane covered tiles.

 

she doesn’t notice the crumbs

you don’t notice

she’s still in high school.

 

winters are magical.

 

the aperture captures

more than what is simply put

directly in its line of fire.

 

the work of art conveys

the true spirit of the artist

despite his silence.

 

onion beer.

stanky stanky

got that danky lanky

pepper spray

take your pants off and pray

citrus pledge wipes

smooth

yet crisp

like the junction of lips on a cold night,

before copious apologies.

 

aggressive.

as I imagined that

first

awkward kiss

with billy mays

 

to be oxy cleaned

by my oxy queen

peel the paint right off the wall.

fuck

 

oh shit

right

the beer is good.

 

*9.8 out of 10*

Review: Brasserie Dieu du Ciel! | Solstice d’été aux Framboises

Photo credit: beerism.ca

Photo credit: beerism.ca

My God, this beer smells incredible. It’s so bright and fruity! How distinctively tart, like a field of ripe red raspberries dancing in the cool breeze! The nose on this is so good I could just

Vote for Hillary Clinton.

COCAINE 2016

howard-dean

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

WORLDSTAR

*9.0 out of 10*

Review: Founders Brewing Co. | Azacca IPA

credit: foundersbrewing.com

credit: foundersbrewing.com

I suppose there are musicians who have aged into their art gracefully. Ironically, when I started writing this, David Bowie was still alive.

Even more ironically, near injuriously, there then are musicians who have aged like bananas,
And Keith Richards still tours.

…Something else about Ice Cube and Are We There Yet.

Then what’s left are the pajamas-in-the-daytime set.

These are those whose appeal you equate with spending the day sipping coffee until 1 in the afternoon, milling about, before driving 5 blocks up the street to the discount grocery store where you buy five potatoes, one beer, maple syrup and toilet paper while glaring at the couple in North Face apparel in a strangely classist manner.

Does life still have the same meaning under fluorescent light?

You stand in the checkout line, becoming itchy beneath your fleece, wondering if it’s psychosomatic. You’re captivated by the smell of fried resignation coming from the deli department. The chicken carcasses dance their post-mortem pirouettes. They glisten, all pretty and clean. They exist fondly as they do formerly. Soon, you wonder this of yourself. The high school sophomore who rings up your groceries asks for your ID. You pause, momentarily; shocked that you realize you have memories older than she is. She sulks and heaves her uncaring arm forth, demanding legal rectitude in the form of a seemingly meaningless magnetic plastic totem.

This robotic bitch has never been haunted by heartbreak or the inevitability of death. Or, maybe she has, and you’re just too cold as to exist beyond the confines of your hollow, garbage vessel.

You know: those artists you feel just awkwardly comfortable approaching when it comes to their latest endeavors, like Morrissey, or Dr. Dre.

So, yes, I guess I am saying that Founders Azacca IPA is sort of like Morrissey or Dr. Dre. I guess that sounds pretty great.

…but it’s pretty yeah.
Since the day Mike Stevens and Dave Engbers founded Founders, they have at least attempted to brew along the cutting edge. The question now is: ArE They FUKin 2 Old 2 BrU?
Well, they are at least using a new, fresh hop in their attempt to stay relevant.

…In a glass, it resembles 4C iced tea clutched in the fingers of an angry aunt, smoking a pack between a kid and the delicate cycle. Translucent to transparent, it carries a slight haze with an off-white inch of head that recedes to a soapy film.
Sparse bubbles rise slowly from the bottom of the glass. Congratulate them.

My nostrils aren’t necessarily arrested, but perturbed by suggestions of orange sherbet, apricot, some sort of bullshit earthiness like wet leaves.

Wait, wait,

there’s something else. Something I can only describe as peach chutney follows.

Fuck,

let’s just call it Ritz crackers with some Smuckers’ orange marmalade on top.

I taste orange, melon—cantaloupe, light mango, grapefruit. There’s a grape characteristic distinct enough to the point of being reminscent of grape pop rocks. It tastes… irresponsible. It hearkens to the reckless abandon of one who pisses on walls of city hall, of one who bothers arguing that it’s in the name of liberal values, shouting, “I READ THE NEW YORK TIMES! I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! I’M ALIVE! WAKE UP WORLD!”

…but I’m not necessarily saying this is a good thing.

The mouth touch is clean, yet not exceptionally thin—somewhat watery. Therein lies a medium to light mouth touch, dry, astringent finish.

I don’t know. I appreciate what Founders is doing, but with a beer like this I can’t help but feel they are sort of like the cool mom with the tight clothes who claims to like Kendrick Lamar because she heard he was a Grammy nominee, but cannot get his album title right (“Pimping a Butterfly?).

I’m not expecting you to understand.

*8.3 out of 10*

Review: Fiddlehead Brewing Co. | AmarilLo Faber (Pale Ale)

Photo credit: Fiddlehead Brewing

Photo credit: Fiddlehead Brewing Co.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t fucking know.

I guess the beer is named after some jam band artist.

Like the kind of crunchy shit you see that old-time, communist, bird-loving hippie with Birkenstocks wrapped around his elbows
Eating a crappy harmonica
Dancing outside of the santanic co-op on a skateboard
Getting a tattoo of colonel Bernie Sanders on his inner thigh
The right one—
Listening to.

Like, when are we getting back to those good old days when nobody cared that there was lead paint in our pancakes, and when we we’re bad, we got the good old-fashioned two-by-four to the groin.

I can remember Momma,
standing on her ironing board,
flipping the bird

And gramma and grampa would tell us about
the war…

Hacky sack fuckin
Snowboarders
With
Marijuana
Keyboards

Fuck outta here

But the beer’s ok.
It looks like peepee with a bright white head. It looks as American as Lager, with a capital fuckin’ L.
FUCKIL

It’s not completely clear or transparent, but somewhere between transparent and translucent, whatever the fuck that means. Also, it’s sort of reminiscent of sparkling hard apple cider. It’s leaves a decent, inappropriate, sticky lacing on the glass.

Very light aroma. Floral akin to tulips, light citrus, hint of pine, mango, bright orange on the back end.

Candy orange,
passionfruit,
bitter orange peel,
light honey,
white bready malt,
white grape, faint fennel on the back end.

Crisp, yet medium body, dry finish.

Ok beer.
Better than the average pale ale, but does lack some in aroma and taste.

*8.0 out of 10*

Review?: Burlington Beer Company | (9 month old) Chasing Rabbits

Uh

what the fuck

it tastes like Pliny.

Seriously

Easy Coast folk

It’s like fresh Pliny

Shit the fuck up

Somebody KILL me

 

*Uh, what the fuck out of 10*