Category: Beerenders

Beerenders ’17: Derek Piette

Here’s the first submission for Beerenders 2017, and it’s a fucking doozy. Derek is a bartender at Maine Beer Company, so of course he’d put a MBC beer on this list. What a surprise. Anyway, here are Derek’s thoughts, verbatim:

 

1. Hill Farmstead Brewery| Anna (Biere de Miel)

hill-farmstead-anna

1. Mast Landing Brewing Co.| Gunners Daughter (Milk Stout w/Peanut Butter)

mast landing gunners daughter

1. TRVE Brewing Co.| Cursed (American Wild Ale)

trve cursed.jpg

1. Maine Beer Co. | Peeper (American Pale Ale)

maine beer peeper.png

1. FATE Brewing Co. | Moirai IPA w/Coffee

fate brewing moirai coffee.jpg

Yay everyone’s a winner! For just that sudden moment, things seemed to be not too fucking shitty with the world. Beer is great. You know it. i know it. Everybody knows it.

Shut the fuck up, Derek. Things are getting progressively shittier and your hippie participation trophy bullshit isn’t helping anything. But, maybe you’ve got a point. Lists are dumb. Everyone is terrified of the future and should really just enjoy the moment with whatever they want to drink with whomever they choose to do that with. Life is meaningless. I haven’t felt this level of despair since I was left resorted to the fetal position under a table at a rundown Burger King a year and a half ago. I had received a cease and desist letter from Usain Bolt’s lawyers for using his likeness on a bath toy I created that I affectionately called “Usain Boat,”or “U-Boat” for short. Anyway folks, keep sending your meaningless lists and I’ll pretend the world’s not on fire.

 

I just wanted to make him proud

usain running.jpg

*Usain Boat/10*

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FUUUUUCKK It’s Beerenders 2017…

On the one hand, thank God it’s the end of the year. On the other hand, it’s time for another round of this year-end best-of beer bullshit. Here’s what to expect: Stupid fucking lists of masturbatory pomp and circumstance about beverages. If you want to contribute to this dumbassed annual tradition, send your list(s) via a Facebook message. Or, if you real sneaky, slide in those Insta DMs.

Fuck this.

Here’s a picture of my two favorite boys:

usain burger

Beerenders: Derek Piette

JESUS, Derek; a best and a worst? You people keep fucking around with the rules. God, I fucking hate all of you. Why do I even bother doing this? I swear to God, you people are just a bunch of mindless sheep who just fucking chirp chirp like meat pickles in a goddamned rainstorm of monkey piss. Fuck myself. Fuck you, Derek.

 

Fuck you and fuck this list

 

Best:

6. Pabst Brewing Co. | PBR (for a dollar)

Pabst_Blue_Ribbon_packaging_logo

Ok. This should be number one on a technicality. A dollar for a PBR? I’d kill a man for a dollar PBR. Do you hear me? A dude, fucking dead.
5. Other Half Brewing Co.

Other Half Brewing Co

The whole brewery. Seriously? Oh, just let me just pick every beer in NYC for that matter– no wait, America,–no wait, the fucking world,– no wait, beer

4. BFM | Abbaye de Saint Bon-Chien (Biere de Garde, 2014 vintage)

BrasserieBFM-AbbayedeSaintBon-Chien2014-Grande

Parlez-vous douche bag?
3. Anderson Valley Brewing Co. | The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose

This photo came from fucking Fox News

This photo came from fucking Fox News

That’s right, Fox News. Put that in your pipe and fuck yourself.
2. Zero Gravity Craft Brewery | Green State Lager (Pilsener)

Green State Lager

Bruh, let’s go camping, I swear I won’t put my finger in your bum while you sleep.
1. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose

Lost-Nation-Gose-Cans

Three cheers if you like sour cheerios!
Worst:

5. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose

Lost-Nation-Gose-Cans

Wait, wait, I feel you on this one. At its worst, band-aids and cold sweat. Fuck this beer.
4. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Maple Tripple (American Strong Ale w/Maple, 2015 vintage)

Lawson's Maple Tripple

YEAH, Fuck this!
3. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Rhubarb Basil Saison

Lawson's Rhubarb Basil

OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING
2. Ballast Point Brewing Company | Sculpin Nitro IPA

Ballast Point Sculpin Nitro

…Oh. Yeah, I guess this sucks too. Whatever.
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Abner (American Imperial IPA, mid-late 2015 vintage)

abner-imperial-hillfarmstead

Dirk bicycles.

Bicycles hard

 

Deerk is a “bartender” at a magical place called “Waterworks”

 

Derek likes foofie drinks

Derek serves foofie drinks

Derke has a kitty kat

Dekre

Deek

Drsk

Drm

DFM

FM

FJM

Father John Misty

 

Drk Foofie man

Foofie

Foofie

Foofie

Foofie

I’m losing faith in the public school system.

Beerenders: Travis Perrotte

Ooh, looky-here, Mr. Travis decided to be Mr. Difficult and gave me a top-six list. Either way, nobody cares, here’s this stupid shit:
6. 21st Amendment Brewing Co. | Toaster Pastry (India-style red ale)

toaster-pastry beer

What the fuck? A pop-tart? Wait, this is a beer?

5. The Alchemist | Focal Banger (American IPA)

focal_sign_01

Real mature.

4. Burlington Beer Co. | Chunky (American-style peanut butter porter, 2015 vintage)

chunky burlington beer

Another obscure beer. Seriously, what’s wrong with you fucking beer hipsters? What’s next, pizza stout? Tuna saison? An American pale ale enema? Fuck off. Peanut butter in your fucking beer; Grow up.

3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Double Citra (Imperial pale ale)

double citra

Boy, Sean Lawson really hit it out of the park with this one. It’s almost as good as his Heady Topper, but luckily it’s widely available at an affordable price.

2. Goose Island Brewing Co. | Bourbon County Brand Regal Rye Stout (2015 vintage)

bourbon county regal rye


1. Grimm Artisanal Ales | Tesseract (American DIPA)

Tesseract Grimm DIPA

Nice. Another beer I’ll never have. Awesome, Travis. Aren’t you a fucking snowflake.

These are Travis’s top 5 beers, I guess.

Travis likes to take a lot of fucking pictures.

I like this one:

Travis Perrotte Lake Champlain
The other ones are also ok, I guess.

But where are the fuckin snuff films, you cow
Travis needs to stop being a shithead and remember that peanut butter is for drinking, not for eating.

Geez, people.

I bet, if you asked Father John Misty if he liked putter bumpkin in his beer, he’d probably kick you in the dick.

Yeah, right in the mouth.

Anyway, here’s Father John Misty:

Beerenders: Shawn Beaulieu

Alright, ALRIGHT; here’s long-time reader and Malt Fiction subscriber “Shawn’s” top 5 beers of the year. Don’t go crazy, everybody; just calm the fuck down. We all know how important this is. We’re going to get through it:

 

5. Hermit Thrush Brewery | Jolly Abbot (Sour Belgian Barleywine, 2015 vintage)

credit: untappd.com

Sure, Bolio, pick something no one has ever heard of. You piece of shit. Oh, right, I was there when you tried that.  You still suck.

4. Maine Beer Company | Lunch IPA (American IPA)

Maine beer lunch

Eh.

3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Arthur (Farmhouse Ale, 2015 vintage)

hf arthur

SHIT SON, YOU CAN PUT THIS BEER IN YOUR TOP 5, BUT NOT “I LOVE YOU, HONEYBEAR” BY FATHER JOHN MISTY IN YOUR TOP 10 ALBUMS? FUCK YOU.

2. Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. | The Substance Ale (American IPA)

substance ale

Okey dokey, Sam Blow, I’ll give you a pass on this one.

1. Brouwerij Rodenbach | Rodenbach Caractère Rouge (Flanders Red Ale)

Brock Rodenbach Caractere

THIS IS THE GODEL, ESCHER, BACH OF BEERS. FIGURES, BOLIO.

uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

…fuck, where was I?

Uh,

Anyway,

These are, uh, Shane Bowery’s favorite beers.

Shap hates music, I guess–

And he lives in Canada

You might as well call him Ted Cruz.

At least Ted Cruz probably likes “I Love You, Honeybear,” by Father John Misty.

Fucking idiot

Fuck you, Jane Blooey.
Now give me my money.

PLEASE free Shamu.

 

This is what I think of your top 5, Jim-