Karla works for the Nature Conservancy.
Karla doesn’t drink beer.
For some reason, Karla wanted to contribute to this beer-centric year-end wrap up series.
This is the equivalent of putting your kindergartner’s god-awful scribble art on the refrigerator.
Happy new year.
My legal counsel has advised that I keep lips tight about this whole usain-a olt-bay situation. So, without further interruption, here’s another bullshit top-5 list. Thing is, I can’t tell what order this list is in. I can’t tell if it’s a top-5, or just a… five.
This time we’ve got a submission from Kate. Kate is chief,
what does this say
“wish mistress” (her words) at the Beverage Warehouse of Vermont.
Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, here’s the mash wistress verbatim:
1. Almanac Beer Co. | Splendid Population (American Imperial Sour Blonde Ale)
because I just had it and it was pretty perfect
2. Cervejaria Way | Jabuti Gose
cuz it is oh so dry and I had no idea such a thing as Jabuti existed prior to drinking it
3. Goose Island Brewery | Madame Rose (Belgian-style Wild Ale, 2015 Vintage)
because Paul (Kate’s male lover) and I saved it for a year and drank it on our wedding day and it was better than champagne
4. Upper Pass Beer Co. | First Drop (American Pale Ale)
because it became my favorite new IPA that calls itself an APA AS IF THERE’S A DIFFERENCE? (is there?)
5. Yohan Lardy | Les Michelons (Moulin-a-Vent) Cru Beaujolais 2014
cuz fuck off, I drink more wine than beer and this fucker is tight and tense and should stay in a box for a few more years but I let it out anyway
I’m going to jail
Shawn provides us with a top-5 beers of the year list.
I got my court summons in the mail today. Mr. Bolt’s lawyers mean business. Luckily, the threatening phone calls have stopped. The silence, however, is growing more ominous every day.
Something big is coming.
5. Maine Beer Co. | Woods and Waters (American IPA)
After my ninth Whopper® this week, I’ve finally lost my appetite. My entire savings is being drained like a bathtub.
And all that’s left at the bottom?
4. The Alchemist Brewery | Skadoosh V (American IPA)
Rubber duckies with Usain Bolt’s face on them.
3. Backacre Beermakers | Golden Sour Ale
I didn’t think it would come to this. I’ll never have a family. Debt will be all consuming. And if I cannot repay? Then what? Bankruptcy? Do debtors’ prisons exist still?
2. House of Fermentology | Purple Dot (fruited American Wild Ale)
Each second on the clock ticking sounds like distant footsteps upon a track. Reminding me of him– my muse. I cannot escape him. If I run, he will catch me. If I stay still, he will consume me.
1. Four Quarters Brewing Co. | S’mores Stout (Imperial Milk Stout)
Shawn has been a reader since nearly day one.
Soon, he will also become a memory.
All will become lost.
The 2 for $6 Whopper® deal shall too come to pass.
*$3.49/2 Cheeseburgers, 1 Small Fries, & 1 Small Drink*
Here’s the first submission for Beerenders 2017, and it’s a fucking doozy. Derek is a bartender at Maine Beer Company, so of course he’d put a MBC beer on this list. What a surprise. Anyway, here are Derek’s thoughts, verbatim:
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Anna (Biere de Miel)
1. Mast Landing Brewing Co. | Gunner’s Daughter (Milk Stout w/Peanut Butter)
1. TRVE Brewing Co. | Cursed (American Wild Ale)
1. Maine Beer Co. | Peeper (American Pale Ale)
1. FATE Brewing Co. | Moirai IPA w/Coffee
Yay everyone’s a winner! For just that sudden moment, things seemed to be not too fucking shitty with the world. Beer is great. You know it. i know it. Everybody knows it.
Shut the fuck up, Derek. Things are getting progressively shittier and your hippie participation trophy bullshit isn’t helping anything. But, maybe you’ve got a point. Lists are dumb. Everyone is terrified of the future and should really just enjoy the moment with whatever they want to drink with whomever they choose to do that with. Life is meaningless. I haven’t felt this level of despair since I was left resorted to the fetal position under a table at a rundown Burger King a year and a half ago. I had received a cease and desist letter from Usain Bolt’s lawyers for using his likeness on a bath toy I created that I affectionately called “Usain Boat,”or “U-Boat” for short. Anyway folks, keep sending your meaningless lists and I’ll pretend the world’s not on fire.
I just wanted to make him proud
On the one hand, thank God it’s the end of the year. On the other hand, it’s time for another round of this year-end best-of beer bullshit. Here’s what to expect: Stupid fucking lists of masturbatory pomp and circumstance about beverages. If you want to contribute to this dumbassed annual tradition, send your list(s) via a Facebook message. Or, if you real sneaky, slide in those Insta DMs.
Here’s a picture of my two favorite boys:
JESUS, Derek; a best and a worst? You people keep fucking around with the rules. God, I fucking hate all of you. Why do I even bother doing this? I swear to God, you people are just a bunch of mindless sheep who just fucking chirp chirp like meat pickles in a goddamned rainstorm of monkey piss. Fuck myself. Fuck you, Derek.
Fuck you and fuck this list
6. Pabst Brewing Co. | PBR (for a dollar)
Ok. This should be number one on a technicality. A dollar for a PBR? I’d kill a man for a dollar PBR. Do you hear me? A dude, fucking dead.
5. Other Half Brewing Co.
The whole brewery. Seriously? Oh, just let me just pick every beer in NYC for that matter– no wait, America,–no wait, the fucking world,– no wait, beer
4. BFM | Abbaye de Saint Bon-Chien (Biere de Garde, 2014 vintage)
Parlez-vous douche bag?
3. Anderson Valley Brewing Co. | The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose
That’s right, Fox News. Put that in your pipe and fuck yourself.
2. Zero Gravity Craft Brewery | Green State Lager (Pilsener)
Bruh, let’s go camping, I swear I won’t put my finger in your bum while you sleep.
1. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose
Three cheers if you like sour cheerios!
5. Lost Nation Brewing | Gose
Wait, wait, I feel you on this one. At its worst, band-aids and cold sweat. Fuck this beer.
4. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Maple Tripple (American Strong Ale w/Maple, 2015 vintage)
YEAH, Fuck this!
3. Lawson’s Finest Liquids | Rhubarb Basil Saison
OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING
2. Ballast Point Brewing Company | Sculpin Nitro IPA
…Oh. Yeah, I guess this sucks too. Whatever.
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Abner (American Imperial IPA, mid-late 2015 vintage)
Deerk is a “bartender” at a magical place called “Waterworks”
Derek likes foofie drinks
Derek serves foofie drinks
Derke has a kitty kat
Father John Misty
Drk Foofie man
I’m losing faith in the public school system.
Ooh, looky-here, Mr. Travis decided to be Mr. Difficult and gave me a top-six list. Either way, nobody cares, here’s this stupid shit:
6. 21st Amendment Brewing Co. | Toaster Pastry (India-style red ale)
What the fuck? A pop-tart? Wait, this is a beer?
5. The Alchemist | Focal Banger (American IPA)
4. Burlington Beer Co. | Chunky (American-style peanut butter porter, 2015 vintage)
Another obscure beer. Seriously, what’s wrong with you fucking beer hipsters? What’s next, pizza stout? Tuna saison? An American pale ale enema? Fuck off. Peanut butter in your fucking beer; Grow up.
3. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Double Citra (Imperial pale ale)
Boy, Sean Lawson really hit it out of the park with this one. It’s almost as good as his Heady Topper, but luckily it’s widely available at an affordable price.
2. Goose Island Brewing Co. | Bourbon County Brand Regal Rye Stout (2015 vintage)
1. Grimm Artisanal Ales | Tesseract (American DIPA)
Nice. Another beer I’ll never have. Awesome, Travis. Aren’t you a fucking snowflake.
These are Travis’s top 5 beers, I guess.
Travis likes to take a lot of fucking pictures.
I like this one:
But where are the fuckin snuff films, you cow
Travis needs to stop being a shithead and remember that peanut butter is for drinking, not for eating.
I bet, if you asked Father John Misty if he liked putter bumpkin in his beer, he’d probably kick you in the dick.
Yeah, right in the mouth.
Anyway, here’s Father John Misty: