Review: Bell’s Brewery | Expedition Stout

Bell's Expedition Stout

…Yo, I just got some birthday cake Oreos and found out that I can watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix.
I learned what “arrested development” meant at the age of 22 and never looked back.
I finished a book recently. That’s pretty cool. I fixed that ticking sound in my car.
Wait, that’s a lie.
No I didn’t.
Shit. I literally sat here trying to think of things I accomplished in the last month.
I rearranged my pantry.
I gave a buck to this homeless dude who was trying to buy his wife a present for their anniversary.
I finished that bag of frozen kale from the back of the freezer…
Shit. I am on the cutting edge.
Shit! I had a Panini from that new food truck from down the block!
SHIT! I I just bought Avatar on DVD at FYE!
$14.99!!

I’M SETTING SIGHTS ON PARTS UNKNOWN

Bitch, I am Meriwether Lewis
William Clark
And that Sacajawea
ALL IN ONE

Call me Dr. Bronner.
I’m cleaning house.

You’re cleaning dishes.

With a raggedy-ass loofah.

And a stick

Ugh, Jesus, I’m like a kid just scribbling some trees on a piece of construction paper, showing it to his parents, looking for praise. See that brown thing? That’s the trunk. See those green squiggles? No, those are leaves, silly. See that? That’s mommy. That there? That’s teddy. Daddy is in the tree because he’s hiding from mommy because she says he can’t have sleep-overs with the neighbor anymore. Daddy is sad up in the tree. I’d be sad too. I love sleep-overs with my friends.

…and this is why I’m single.

Well, whatever. Who needs to feel adventurous and accomplished when you have Bell’s Expedition Stout to do that for you? Drink two or three of these and you’re Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzig. Hell, you’re fucking Mt. Everest! (Interpret that sentence as you will) You can take on the world just as soon as you can make your way off the couch.
… There, that’s it…
… just roll, kinda…
… there, you’ve got it…
No, wait, you just fell on the floor. Get up.
Dude, get up.
…Dude?

Bell’s Brewery is a brewery out in the middle of who-gives-a-fuck (Kalamazoo), Michigan. Their beer is next to impossible to get around in here in Vermont, so, naturally I am inclined to give it a high rating based on that fact alone.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, head looks like cardboard, sandpaper, some mocha frappacrappachino. The beer is pitch black, and it leaves significant alcohol legs on the glass (You know what that means—this little piggy’s getting drunk). It’s got little to no carbonation, but no one really cares. As my roommate would say, it’s a “quiet” beverage.

It’s a big, wintery, boozy beer—but it reminds me of a lively spring. Yada, yada, earthy, wet earth. Vinous… tannic… leathery qualities that come with red wine—blah, blah, I sound like a tool— I get some tobacco, and “cold air” in there as well (I really don’t know, I was tired and probably tanked when I first wrote this). Oh, right, and it also smells like cold brew coffee and chocolate mousse; or shit, it’s definitely got a chocolate-dipped walnut, nutty smell. Fuck it, it’s a goddamned brownie. So on, so on, Slight diacetyl notes—like walking into a movie rental store. Blah blah, more bullshit, I have a strange synesthetic relapse and I imagine myself on Pine street on a Sunday afternoon in March, I guess? The sky is overcast, and I hear music in the distance. Wait, do I hear The Smiths?

The taste is surprisingly smoky, compared to the aroma. Big, earthy, overtones of roasted grain bloom upon the tongue. Some several maillard reactions are going on here. Creamy caramel notes coddle the tastebuds. Ok, ok, this is the exact order of flavor:
1. Dry smokiness à la pork
2. Browned toast
3. Salted caramel
4. Fusel notes
5. Dark chocolate brownies with some walnuts
6. That popcorn flavor, buttery, caramel covered
7. Slight bitter hop finish. Coffee.
8. Between 4 and 8, the flavor is very dry, borderline tannic. Aggressive, but attractive. Not a repulsive flavor. Pleasantly challenging.
The beer in the mouth drinks similar to wine, but it’s very chewy. You could describe it as silky. It sticks to the mouth a bit.
Very luscious.
Very decadent.
Very aimless.
Very insignificant.
Very cold.
Very lonely.
I’m going to die alone.

IN A BRAND NEW CAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRR!

 

*9.5 out of 10*

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