Review: Founders Brewing Company | KBS, 2014 Edition



The Godfather.
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Babe Ruth.

…Founders Kentucky Breakfast Stout.

The things marked in our lives, these things—these intrinsically perfect things—these things that are objectively good baffle us, disturb us to the point of anger, but also inspire us and lend a shred of light and meaning to our lives. In our age of all things relative, where the plural is fashionable and the valuable pass like stenches from open manhole covers, the stalwarts of quality—these bastions of true grit—the Lenny Bruces, the Orson Welleses, the Karls Markses, the Js Rs Rs Tolkiens, provide stability and artistic and moral direction in our lives.

Getting a bottle of KBS is like getting Batman to show up to your birthday party.

It took me three years, but I got it.

You could not imagine my excitement.

This rare find—this standard—was finally in my hands.

Kentucky Breakfast Stout is a beer that truly needs no introduction, but always deserves one. It is an Imperial Stout brewed once a year by Founders Brewing Company of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Brewed with chocolate and coffee, it is aged in Bourbon barrels placed in caves, where it is left to mature and ripen into the legendary beer it is. Critics worldwide sing its praises.

I poured the drink. It quietly sank into the glass. I stiffened in multiple places. It was beautiful. There was just nearly an inch of white coffee looking head (and rightfully so). It had intense alcohol legs up to my neck. It was pitch black; teeny-tiny bubbles climbed along the edges rising slowly to the top, feeding the head with a sticky lacing around the glass.

The aroma was purely nostalgic.
I am 6 years old
Wandering down the
Aisles of the grocery store where
The bags of coffee hang above me, the sweet
Pungent roasts waft generously, garrulously
I smell roasted cashews and
Chocolate, but
Like fudge,
From a brownie
A chocolate fudge brownie
Out of a bite of Ben and Jerry’s—

There is a brilliant roasted maltiness to the nose as it lingers a bit, tinged with a metallic mineral smell. Raisin and prune, there’s caramel as it warms. I find Bourbon, but it’s as gossamer as possible
(an idea).


The train screeches with the utmost alarm before it plows into the damsel in distress, tearing her asunder.

It is awful. It’s
It’s like

A date
Scarlett Johansson
So beautiful and
So completely
What is happening she
Says she
Has KB S but
It’s IBS and you cannot talk let alone get near to her due to her intense halitosis
That fucking halitosis that fucking garlic rotten ass bean curd loving ruby slipper wearing broken little fulcrum bending westward towards OBLIVION
The beer is unimaginably horrible.
It has this unmistakable muddled flavor parading away, pretending to be utterly complex. It’s somewhere between an imperial stout and a “fine,” “dry” “red wine.” It’s like a latte flavor from a suburban Hell of a Starbucks, where the barista has a hole in each ear, each eyebrow, each eye socket— it hits you up front, followed by the sickeningly cloying vanilla from the bourbon oak barrel. Then there is a strong, almost unsweetened chocolate flavor that pushes through with a tart cherry flavor. It’s leathery, so leathery, like the tannins from a red wine, or like a Great Uncle Bob’s backside. It cuts so deep with a very intense dryness like a switchblade digging into
Every nerve fiber
Tangled in the bloodied mess of sinew and fat muddled all to Hell.

I’ve listened to
Too much
Kid A and
It’s still April 1, 2014
The beer is undeniably stupendous
Like the corresponding album.

The last gulp was a creamy and smooth, but so effortlessly dry and clean.
Is it perfect?


I am not sure.
Nevertheless, as I begin to dose off listening to “How to Disappear Completely,” I realize that in a few days, this beer will also disappear completely. Off the shelves, until next year, it will descend into bellies or basements to digest or age, respectively. It is a remarkable beer. No bullshit, no quirky remarks, it’s just a damn



*9.8 out of 10*


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