Review: Foam Brewers | Pavement

Yo, if you go see Blade Runner 2049, leave a comment about your thoughts on the movie. It’s almost three hours long, but it’s fast as fuck– You got to pay attention though, because the movie is all dialogue and random bird-eye view shots on dystopian LA and some desolation and shit.

There a bunch of sexy robots and allusions to the Immaculate Conception.

If you feel confused by the end of the movie, I don’t blame you, it’s fucking confusing as hell—Ryan Gosling flying a Peugeot and drinking robot liquor—how’s a robot drink liquor? You ever watch Futurama? Bender drinks all the fucking time. It’s crazy that robots can become alcoholics, but like, in reverse or some shit. Anyway

Harrison Ford kills it

If you don’t really understand the movie, there are some pretty good recaps in Variety and NPR, so check those out—oh, and there’s some on YouTube, but there are spoilers if you’re not careful. Don’t check out “Blade Runner Original RECAP – Everything You need to Know Before Blade Runner 2049” by New Rockstars if you haven’t seen the first movie but still want to see Blade Runner 2049 but are too cheap to rent the original Blade Runner but plan on watching it at some point. It’ll ruin the whole experience and you’re going to want to punch yourself in the dick afterwards.

So check out the new movie

Get there early with you and your buddies, maybe a few margaritas deep, and spend some money on some irresponsible bullshit. Get a large popcorn with extra butter sauce and some Sour Patch Kids™ but make sure all of that shit is well integrated. You’re already spending more money than you should on shit you could get at the grocery store for much cheaper, so if you get that gritty shit at the bottom of the bag, you might as well have an aneurysm and sue the shit out of the theater goddamn it

Get your tickets

Preferably in IMAX

IMAX is fucking amazing

How do they do that?

3D movies are trash though. Whoever

*7.8 out of 10*

Advertisements

Review: Otter Creek Brewing/Camba Bavaria Collab | Oktoberfest

 

Breaking news for you this afternoon: several employees at a law firm located in the downtown area have been taken hostage. Crime beat reporter Jessica Simpson joins us now at the scene with the very latest. Jessica?

Yes, we’re told that we’ve got now four officers on the scene, and this is quickly escalating into a full-blown hostage crisis. What first started off as a disgruntled employee engaged in a dispute now has innocent lives on the line. Detective Matthew Damon is here with me to provide the official update on the situation. Detective, what do we know about the current status of the folks now trapped in the building?

We’ve got 4 that we know of on site who have now been pulled into this mess, and we’re engaging in talks with the perpetrator to better understand their demands.

Stephanie, we’re gaining information as it comes bit by bit.

Jess, what about the coworker who has been shot? What is their situation?

We have confirmation that they have been transported to a local hospital to be treated for several bullet wounds.

And any developments in negotiations?

DOO DOO DOOO DOO DOOOO DO DOO DOO DAH DOO DOOO DOOOOOO

DOO DOO DAH DOOO DAH DOOOOO DOO DOOO DOO DOOO DOOO DOOOOOOO—“

I’m sorry, Jessica, what? What’s going on there?

—DOOO DOOO DOO DAH DOO DAH DOOO—

…Is that, are you singing the theme song to Diff’rent Strokes?

…eeeehhhhhhhh Oktoberfest (oh, I’m sorry, Marzen– fuck you) is a tired style. People who don’t even drink beer know what this is.

The most quintessential beer tropes…

Big tents!

Lederhosen!

Dirndls!

Pretzelz!

Lutheran guilt!

Jeff!

Ball gags!

Polka musci!

Fascsim!

Lots of big changes at Otter Creek. Mike Gerhart is fuckin out. No more tie-dyed hippie-ass ganja bullshit and slacker rock stereotypes

Wait, Long Trail released a CBD beer?

Nevermind.

Look, Otter Creek is now one of the largest breweries in Vermont (wait, are they the largest brewery in Vermont? I don’t know, I don’t do my research, I just sit in my underwear at 12:30 in the morning catching a buzz and contemplating my mortality as I continue to type, pausing occasionally to take another drink and contemplate my mortality again. The futility of everything becoming more and more weightless, I glide into a monochromatic stupor: listlessness in a blender. Like watching Godard on fast forward—comical, yet frightening. The new autumn air hangs like a clashy curtain or like a soul awkwardly loiters during an out of body experience. Am I he? Or is he me? Who are you? Are you you? You’re arrested instantly by a specter of a memory of your father catching you masturbating that replays over and over and over and over and over and over

 

 

And over

They can get away with whatever they want. They’ve earned it. If they want to brew a fucking collab beer with Brauerei Camba in Germany it’s their own prerogative.

I lay in a field, sitting up only to take another small sip. Face towards the sky, oblivion confronting, I belch. A few songbirds flee from their trees.

Orange and clear save a slight haze

White head, decent lacing

Effervescent

Another sip, my mind starts to wander

Biscuit, caramel, floral hops

Bright, mild banana bread

Orange marmalade

Somewhere out there, there is probably a small civilization run entirely by children. How do they value the worth of individuals within the citizenry? What is their belief system? Is their childhood a farce, or are they forever cursed in their arrested development?

Mildly metallic

Sweet roll

Noble hop earthiness

Slight bitterness

Round sweetness in middle of mouth

Medium mouthfeel

I ceremonially bury my head in the wet earth and wonder,

Would I be a good hostage?

Blink 1 for yes

And 2 for Weird Al Yankovic Polka Power

*8.7 out of 10*

Review: Allagash Brewing Company | Hoppy Table Beer

source: allagash.com

Abstract: Though at first a tenuous argument, there is a comparison to be made between Chance the Rapper’s 2016 mixtape, Coloring Book, and  Allagash Brewing Company’s Hoppy Table Beer. Both are both modest in content and approach—Chance’s album was free and widely available. Fantastic in every sense of the word, it also deals with humbling topics while being very lighthearted. Allagash released a similarly fantastic beer the same year despite the hype of huge haze bombs, and— echoing Michael Kiser, here—  could have called it a session Belgian pale ale/IPA. However, they went another route because it wanted to be accessible to a wide audience and be true to themselves, the beer itself, and its image. Plus, the beer drinks well with the album. I’d want to meet Chance and Rob Tod equally for the same reasons. In this article, I will provide evidence of this esoteric relationship  and prove that two different creative paths can converge in one beautiful destination. With an open mind, please consider the following.

BIG UPDATE GUYS

Check out the new handle on the shitter!

 

Look

 

2016 was spent mostly drunk, stumbling through suburbia underneath the lampposts. The tall green oaks stretching over and above as stalactites, the nocturnal world was a cavern of summer hell. The creatures of the night, the specters of regret, slept in strangers’ beds or on sidewalks.

 

Like an

ass

hole

 

What used to tingle now went numb

As the sensation of subversion now became

Tapdancing

Upon the

Ceiling.

 

Effortless and

 

Mortifying.

 

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK

 

Sitting in the taproom, on the barstool yet to be broken, listening to Coloring Book, a sermon was delivered.

 

Ain’t no Twitter in Heaven

 

The sun bled into the room like over-salted stirfry, pungent and nauseating.

 

Wait

 

That’s not

The

Sun

Always good at hungover

 

conversation

 

A gift of gab

A

Svelte

Tongue

 

Thin and sharp

 

A pin

 

To

 

Pop

 

The puffed up

 

Neckbeards

 

Get the fuck out of my bar

 

And you ain’t slick either

 

You

 

Leather

Scented

 

Banana republic

 

Reject

 

Take

Your

Fuck

Shit

And

Bounch

 

 

Live

And

Let

Go

To

Bed.

 

 

4:30 and the seesaw plateaus

Head upon the picnic tables

 

Bottle in hand.

 

Chorus blaring a

Shrill

Bellow

 

Magnify, magnify,

 

Gold as straw and so mellow

 

Yellow haze, white and sticky

 

Using words like effervescent

 

Like it means something

 

Pineapple and cat piss.

 

Like it means something.

 

Juicy fruit gum.

 

That’s more like it. Light pine and grapefruit.

Floral.

Tulips.

Slight bandaid, but not to a fault

Classic latex glove.

 

Sterile, yet so dirty.

 

Pine. Peach. Pear. Dry Tonic water

—so, quinine and lemon?

Spice—

coriander comes through, mostly towards the end.

 

That unmistakable, indescribable

 

Azacca

 

So beautiful.

Deciduous,

temperate

and tropical all at the same time.

 

  • I’m telling you guys, the toilet works great!

 

*9.5 out of 10*