Karla works for the Nature Conservancy.
Karla doesn’t drink beer.
For some reason, Karla wanted to contribute to this beer-centric year-end wrap up series.
This is the equivalent of putting your kindergartner’s god-awful scribble art on the refrigerator.
Happy new year.
My legal counsel has advised that I keep lips tight about this whole usain-a olt-bay situation. So, without further interruption, here’s another bullshit top-5 list. Thing is, I can’t tell what order this list is in. I can’t tell if it’s a top-5, or just a… five.
This time we’ve got a submission from Kate. Kate is chief,
what does this say
“wish mistress” (her words) at the Beverage Warehouse of Vermont.
Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, here’s the mash wistress verbatim:
1. Almanac Beer Co. | Splendid Population (American Imperial Sour Blonde Ale)
because I just had it and it was pretty perfect
2. Cervejaria Way | Jabuti Gose
cuz it is oh so dry and I had no idea such a thing as Jabuti existed prior to drinking it
3. Goose Island Brewery | Madame Rose (Belgian-style Wild Ale, 2015 Vintage)
because Paul (Kate’s male lover) and I saved it for a year and drank it on our wedding day and it was better than champagne
4. Upper Pass Beer Co. | First Drop (American Pale Ale)
because it became my favorite new IPA that calls itself an APA AS IF THERE’S A DIFFERENCE? (is there?)
5. Yohan Lardy | Les Michelons (Moulin-a-Vent) Cru Beaujolais 2014
cuz fuck off, I drink more wine than beer and this fucker is tight and tense and should stay in a box for a few more years but I let it out anyway
I’m going to jail
Shawn provides us with a top-5 beers of the year list.
I got my court summons in the mail today. Mr. Bolt’s lawyers mean business. Luckily, the threatening phone calls have stopped. The silence, however, is growing more ominous every day.
Something big is coming.
5. Maine Beer Co. | Woods and Waters (American IPA)
After my ninth Whopper® this week, I’ve finally lost my appetite. My entire savings is being drained like a bathtub.
And all that’s left at the bottom?
4. The Alchemist Brewery | Skadoosh V (American IPA)
Rubber duckies with Usain Bolt’s face on them.
3. Backacre Beermakers | Golden Sour Ale
I didn’t think it would come to this. I’ll never have a family. Debt will be all consuming. And if I cannot repay? Then what? Bankruptcy? Do debtors’ prisons exist still?
2. House of Fermentology | Purple Dot (fruited American Wild Ale)
Each second on the clock ticking sounds like distant footsteps upon a track. Reminding me of him– my muse. I cannot escape him. If I run, he will catch me. If I stay still, he will consume me.
1. Four Quarters Brewing Co. | S’mores Stout (Imperial Milk Stout)
Shawn has been a reader since nearly day one.
Soon, he will also become a memory.
All will become lost.
The 2 for $6 Whopper® deal shall too come to pass.
*$3.49/2 Cheeseburgers, 1 Small Fries, & 1 Small Drink*
Here’s the first submission for Beerenders 2017, and it’s a fucking doozy. Derek is a bartender at Maine Beer Company, so of course he’d put a MBC beer on this list. What a surprise. Anyway, here are Derek’s thoughts, verbatim:
1. Hill Farmstead Brewery | Anna (Biere de Miel)
1. Mast Landing Brewing Co. | Gunner’s Daughter (Milk Stout w/Peanut Butter)
1. TRVE Brewing Co. | Cursed (American Wild Ale)
1. Maine Beer Co. | Peeper (American Pale Ale)
1. FATE Brewing Co. | Moirai IPA w/Coffee
Yay everyone’s a winner! For just that sudden moment, things seemed to be not too fucking shitty with the world. Beer is great. You know it. i know it. Everybody knows it.
Shut the fuck up, Derek. Things are getting progressively shittier and your hippie participation trophy bullshit isn’t helping anything. But, maybe you’ve got a point. Lists are dumb. Everyone is terrified of the future and should really just enjoy the moment with whatever they want to drink with whomever they choose to do that with. Life is meaningless. I haven’t felt this level of despair since I was left resorted to the fetal position under a table at a rundown Burger King a year and a half ago. I had received a cease and desist letter from Usain Bolt’s lawyers for using his likeness on a bath toy I created that I affectionately called “Usain Boat,”or “U-Boat” for short. Anyway folks, keep sending your meaningless lists and I’ll pretend the world’s not on fire.
I just wanted to make him proud
On the one hand, thank God it’s the end of the year. On the other hand, it’s time for another round of this year-end best-of beer bullshit. Here’s what to expect: Stupid fucking lists of masturbatory pomp and circumstance about beverages. If you want to contribute to this dumbassed annual tradition, send your list(s) via a Facebook message. Or, if you real sneaky, slide in those Insta DMs.
Here’s a picture of my two favorite boys:
Yo, if you go see Blade Runner 2049, leave a comment about your thoughts on the movie. It’s almost three hours long, but it’s fast as fuck– You got to pay attention though, because the movie is all dialogue and random bird-eye view shots on dystopian LA and some desolation and shit.
There a bunch of sexy robots and allusions to the Immaculate Conception.
If you feel confused by the end of the movie, I don’t blame you, it’s fucking confusing as hell—Ryan Gosling flying a Peugeot and drinking robot liquor—how’s a robot drink liquor? You ever watch Futurama? Bender drinks all the fucking time. It’s crazy that robots can become alcoholics, but like, in reverse or some shit. Anyway
Harrison Ford kills it
If you don’t really understand the movie, there are some pretty good recaps in Variety and NPR, so check those out—oh, and there’s some on YouTube, but there are spoilers if you’re not careful. Don’t check out “Blade Runner Original RECAP – Everything You need to Know Before Blade Runner 2049” by New Rockstars if you haven’t seen the first movie but still want to see Blade Runner 2049 but are too cheap to rent the original Blade Runner but plan on watching it at some point. It’ll ruin the whole experience and you’re going to want to punch yourself in the dick afterwards.
So check out the new movie
Get there early with you and your buddies, maybe a few margaritas deep, and spend some money on some irresponsible bullshit. Get a large popcorn with extra butter sauce and some Sour Patch Kids™ but make sure all of that shit is well integrated. You’re already spending more money than you should on shit you could get at the grocery store for much cheaper, so if you get that gritty shit at the bottom of the bag, you might as well have an aneurysm and sue the shit out of the theater goddamn it
Get your tickets
Preferably in IMAX
IMAX is fucking amazing
How do they do that?
3D movies are trash though. Whoever
*7.8 out of 10*