Beerenders ’17: Derek Piette

Here’s the first submission for Beerenders 2017, and it’s a fucking doozy. Derek is a bartender at Maine Beer Company, so of course he’d put a MBC beer on this list. What a surprise. Anyway, here are Derek’s thoughts, verbatim:

 

1. Hill Farmstead Brewery| Anna (Biere de Miel)

hill-farmstead-anna

1. Mast Landing Brewing Co.| Gunners Daughter (Milk Stout w/Peanut Butter)

mast landing gunners daughter

1. TRVE Brewing Co.| Cursed (American Wild Ale)

trve cursed.jpg

1. Maine Beer Co. | Peeper (American Pale Ale)

maine beer peeper.png

1. FATE Brewing Co. | Moirai IPA w/Coffee

fate brewing moirai coffee.jpg

Yay everyone’s a winner! For just that sudden moment, things seemed to be not too fucking shitty with the world. Beer is great. You know it. i know it. Everybody knows it.

Shut the fuck up, Derek. Things are getting progressively shittier and your hippie participation trophy bullshit isn’t helping anything. But, maybe you’ve got a point. Lists are dumb. Everyone is terrified of the future and should really just enjoy the moment with whatever they want to drink with whomever they choose to do that with. Life is meaningless. I haven’t felt this level of despair since I was left resorted to the fetal position under a table at a rundown Burger King a year and a half ago. I had received a cease and desist letter from Usain Bolt’s lawyers for using his likeness on a bath toy I created that I affectionately called “Usain Boat,”or “U-Boat” for short. Anyway folks, keep sending your meaningless lists and I’ll pretend the world’s not on fire.

 

I just wanted to make him proud

usain running.jpg

*Usain Boat/10*

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FUUUUUCKK It’s Beerenders 2017…

On the one hand, thank God it’s the end of the year. On the other hand, it’s time for another round of this year-end best-of beer bullshit. Here’s what to expect: Stupid fucking lists of masturbatory pomp and circumstance about beverages. If you want to contribute to this dumbassed annual tradition, send your list(s) via a Facebook message. Or, if you real sneaky, slide in those Insta DMs.

Fuck this.

Here’s a picture of my two favorite boys:

usain burger

Review: Foam Brewers | Pavement

Yo, if you go see Blade Runner 2049, leave a comment about your thoughts on the movie. It’s almost three hours long, but it’s fast as fuck– You got to pay attention though, because the movie is all dialogue and random bird-eye view shots on dystopian LA and some desolation and shit.

There a bunch of sexy robots and allusions to the Immaculate Conception.

If you feel confused by the end of the movie, I don’t blame you, it’s fucking confusing as hell—Ryan Gosling flying a Peugeot and drinking robot liquor—how’s a robot drink liquor? You ever watch Futurama? Bender drinks all the fucking time. It’s crazy that robots can become alcoholics, but like, in reverse or some shit. Anyway

Harrison Ford kills it

If you don’t really understand the movie, there are some pretty good recaps in Variety and NPR, so check those out—oh, and there’s some on YouTube, but there are spoilers if you’re not careful. Don’t check out “Blade Runner Original RECAP – Everything You need to Know Before Blade Runner 2049” by New Rockstars if you haven’t seen the first movie but still want to see Blade Runner 2049 but are too cheap to rent the original Blade Runner but plan on watching it at some point. It’ll ruin the whole experience and you’re going to want to punch yourself in the dick afterwards.

So check out the new movie

Get there early with you and your buddies, maybe a few margaritas deep, and spend some money on some irresponsible bullshit. Get a large popcorn with extra butter sauce and some Sour Patch Kids™ but make sure all of that shit is well integrated. You’re already spending more money than you should on shit you could get at the grocery store for much cheaper, so if you get that gritty shit at the bottom of the bag, you might as well have an aneurysm and sue the shit out of the theater goddamn it

Get your tickets

Preferably in IMAX

IMAX is fucking amazing

How do they do that?

3D movies are trash though. Whoever

*7.8 out of 10*

Review: Otter Creek Brewing/Camba Bavaria Collab | Oktoberfest

 

Breaking news for you this afternoon: several employees at a law firm located in the downtown area have been taken hostage. Crime beat reporter Jessica Simpson joins us now at the scene with the very latest. Jessica?

Yes, we’re told that we’ve got now four officers on the scene, and this is quickly escalating into a full-blown hostage crisis. What first started off as a disgruntled employee engaged in a dispute now has innocent lives on the line. Detective Matthew Damon is here with me to provide the official update on the situation. Detective, what do we know about the current status of the folks now trapped in the building?

We’ve got 4 that we know of on site who have now been pulled into this mess, and we’re engaging in talks with the perpetrator to better understand their demands.

Stephanie, we’re gaining information as it comes bit by bit.

Jess, what about the coworker who has been shot? What is their situation?

We have confirmation that they have been transported to a local hospital to be treated for several bullet wounds.

And any developments in negotiations?

DOO DOO DOOO DOO DOOOO DO DOO DOO DAH DOO DOOO DOOOOOO

DOO DOO DAH DOOO DAH DOOOOO DOO DOOO DOO DOOO DOOO DOOOOOOO—“

I’m sorry, Jessica, what? What’s going on there?

—DOOO DOOO DOO DAH DOO DAH DOOO—

…Is that, are you singing the theme song to Diff’rent Strokes?

…eeeehhhhhhhh Oktoberfest (oh, I’m sorry, Marzen– fuck you) is a tired style. People who don’t even drink beer know what this is.

The most quintessential beer tropes…

Big tents!

Lederhosen!

Dirndls!

Pretzelz!

Lutheran guilt!

Jeff!

Ball gags!

Polka musci!

Fascsim!

Lots of big changes at Otter Creek. Mike Gerhart is fuckin out. No more tie-dyed hippie-ass ganja bullshit and slacker rock stereotypes

Wait, Long Trail released a CBD beer?

Nevermind.

Look, Otter Creek is now one of the largest breweries in Vermont (wait, are they the largest brewery in Vermont? I don’t know, I don’t do my research, I just sit in my underwear at 12:30 in the morning catching a buzz and contemplating my mortality as I continue to type, pausing occasionally to take another drink and contemplate my mortality again. The futility of everything becoming more and more weightless, I glide into a monochromatic stupor: listlessness in a blender. Like watching Godard on fast forward—comical, yet frightening. The new autumn air hangs like a clashy curtain or like a soul awkwardly loiters during an out of body experience. Am I he? Or is he me? Who are you? Are you you? You’re arrested instantly by a specter of a memory of your father catching you masturbating that replays over and over and over and over and over and over

 

 

And over

They can get away with whatever they want. They’ve earned it. If they want to brew a fucking collab beer with Brauerei Camba in Germany it’s their own prerogative.

I lay in a field, sitting up only to take another small sip. Face towards the sky, oblivion confronting, I belch. A few songbirds flee from their trees.

Orange and clear save a slight haze

White head, decent lacing

Effervescent

Another sip, my mind starts to wander

Biscuit, caramel, floral hops

Bright, mild banana bread

Orange marmalade

Somewhere out there, there is probably a small civilization run entirely by children. How do they value the worth of individuals within the citizenry? What is their belief system? Is their childhood a farce, or are they forever cursed in their arrested development?

Mildly metallic

Sweet roll

Noble hop earthiness

Slight bitterness

Round sweetness in middle of mouth

Medium mouthfeel

I ceremonially bury my head in the wet earth and wonder,

Would I be a good hostage?

Blink 1 for yes

And 2 for Weird Al Yankovic Polka Power

*8.7 out of 10*